Cyrem Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 It's pretty simple, share your favorite jokes with other members. However they must be clean jokes so no racist, religious or dirty jokes please. Just stuff you could walk into a bar and say out loud Uncomfortable Snoring: By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere?" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager. "And, he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How did you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," the Marine replied. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How did you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." Age Gambling A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know. Why don't you play your age?" Then he walked away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she alright?" The roulette wheel operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!" Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. Save the whales. Collect the whole set Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 lol Those are funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addictgamer Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 The flight A man walks up to the counter at an airport. He asks if he can book a flight. The clerk standing behind the counter says sure, bends down, grabs some papers, and hands them to the man. The man looks over them and asks, "What's this?" The clerk answers, "Oh, you need to sign all these papers before anyone will publish your book." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lol username Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addictgamer Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 School: all fish attend. MaChuMaFood just swallowed you. Romania? Is that in Texas? (No, seriously, this one really happened) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 School: all fish attend. MaChuMaFood just swallowed you. Romania? Is that in Texas? (No, seriously, this one really happened) What? I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aki Dazrold Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Hang on a second. *searches Forum games* Ah yes. Remember this one? Hero Factory: State your emergency! Caller: I need help screwing in this light bulb up into my overhead light! HF: Why did you call US for something like that? C: Because you guys are adept at screwing up! OH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheEPICtrainrider Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Chuck Norris Jokes: Chuck Norris walks into a bar. The bar snaps in half. Chuck Norris doesn't get wet in a pool, a pool gets Chuck Norris'd. Chuck Norris gets a kitten down from a tree. The kitten was a baby tiger. At one point the military was considering deploying Chuck Norris to end the war in Iraq, but the UN said that a Nuclear Strike would be more humane. Slightly Inappropriate: Knock Knock. Who's there? Chris Brown. RIANNA LOOK OUT. If Billy Mays was still alive, he would have had an endorsement to fix the BP leak. During the Cold War the Russians made the largest Nuclear Bombs ever. Some say this was to match the US's accurate missiles. I say they were compensating for something. Natural Selection is still around. Only intelligent can play Fallout 3. Thus, only intelligent people will survive the Apocalypse. Fallout 3 taught me grenades are more effective on Robots then Shotguns. I ate a Plumb and got lead poisoning. Always aim for the balls. If you die mid fight, at least your opponent can't reproduce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Chuck Norris Jokes: Chuck Norris walks into a bar. The bar snaps in half. Chuck Norris doesn't get wet in a pool, a pool gets Chuck Norris'd. Chuck Norris gets a kitten down from a tree. The kitten was a baby tiger. At one point the military was considering deploying Chuck Norris to end the war in Iraq, but the UN said that a Nuclear Strike would be more humane. Slightly Inappropriate: If Billy Mays was still alive, he would have had an endorsement to fix the BP leak. During the Cold War the Russians made the largest Nuclear Bombs ever. Some say this was to match the US's accurate missiles. I say they were compensating for something. Fallout 3 taught me grenades are more effective on Robots then Shotguns. Always aim for the balls. If you die mid fight, at least your opponent can't reproduce. These are the first ones to make me actually laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow322 Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Two men walk into a bar, one ducks, the other was Chuck Norris. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Two men walk into a bar, one ducks, the other was Chuck Norris. This post is full of WIN. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aki Dazrold Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Windows Vista. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Apple (Anything they have ever made) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ftgsarge Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Tracer rounds work both ways. I forgot about gravity, then my face remembered it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyrem Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aki Dazrold Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Behold, a joke I possess that may have you thinking "now that's the joke right there" by about five words. A lepercaun walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has had a moderate amount to drink, and orders a drink of his own. The guy sees the lepercaun and immediately thinks, oh I'm gonna have fun with this guy. He then starts telling all sorts of short, irish, and alcoholic jokes at the lepercaun's expense. After about four minutes of this, the lepercaun turns and spits right in the man's face, then gets up and moves further down the bar. The man has enough decency to realize that he probably deserved that, and resumes his drink. Five muntes later the lepercaun comes back and spits on him again, then walks away. The man is a bit angered by this, but not wanting to make a scene, he says nothing. Five more minutes later, the lepercaun spits on his again. Now the man is pissed off. He stops the lepercaun and says, "Hey listen pal, if you do that again imma cut off your manhood" The lepercuan replies, "me no have one." The man is taken aback. "What? Then how do you pee?" To which the lepercaun replies, "me no pee, me spit." me realize this may fall out of previous restriction. Delete if so plz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Behold, a joke I possess that may have you thinking "now that's the joke right there" by about five words. A leprechaun walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has had a moderate amount to drink, and orders a drink of his own. The guy sees the leprechaun and immediately thinks, oh I'm gonna have fun with this guy. He then starts telling all sorts of short, Irish, and alcoholic jokes at the leprechaun's expense. After about four minutes of this, the leprechaun turns and spits right in the man's face, then gets up and moves further down the bar. The man has enough decency to realize that he probably deserved that, and resumes his drink. Five minutes later the leprechaun comes back and spits on him again, then walks away. The man is a bit angered by this, but not wanting to make a scene, he says nothing. Five more minutes later, the leprechaun spits on his again. Now the man is pissed off. He stops the leprechaun and says, "Hey listen pal, if you do that again imma cut off your manhood" The leprechaun replies, "Me no have one." The man is taken aback. "What? Then how do you pee?" To which the leprechaun replies, "Me no pee, me spit." Me realize this may fall out of previous restriction. Delete if so plz I have heard this before and I can't tell if I found it funny then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow322 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I have heard this before and I can't tell if I found it funny then. Stop quoting all the jokes, you don't see other members doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I have heard this before and I can't tell if I found it funny then. Stop quoting all the jokes, you don't see other members doing that. I only did that twice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toot Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 What is swedish roulette? :Russian roulette with semi-auto pistol. At indian camp: Chief is having very bad stomach cramp! Chief send messenger to shaman: Messenger said: "Great chief, no fart." Shaman sent medicine to chief. Next day messenger comes again: "Great chief, no fart." Shaman sends chief more powerful medicine. And again next day messenger went to shaman: "Great chief, no fart." Shaman sent most powerful medicine he could find, and messenger told next day: "Great fart, no chief." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bartvbl Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Some fun ones (cleaned up the rough language), coming from my funny IRC quotes app : A: So many chryminals on this planet.. It is not funny B: heh, if we sent all the chriminals to some empty continent and left them there to die A: And show up like 50 years later, and be like "'sup?" B: what'd you think they would say? A: sonething along the lines of "G'day mate" --- (reo4k) just type /quit whoever, and it will quite them from IRC - luckyguy has quit IRC (r'heaven) - r3dev1 has quit IRC (r'heaven) - sasopi has quit IRC (r'heaven) - phhhfft has quit IRC (r'heaven) - blackersnake has quite IRC (r'heaven) (ibAN'reo4k) That's gotta hurt (r'heaven) --- some guy: I will write on a huge cement block "BY ACCEPTING THIS BRICK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, YOU ACCEPT IT AS IS AND AGREE TO MY DISCLAIMER OF ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, AS WELL AS DISCLAIMERS OF ALL LIABILITY, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL OR INCIDENTIAL, THAT MAY ARISE FROM THE INSTALLATION OF THIS BRICK IN YOUR BUILDING" some guy: And then hurl it trough the window of a sony officer some guy: and run like hell --- (robT) name ONE thing your windows computer can do that my mac can't (bawws) Right click. --- (Mike3285) wtf is a palindrome? (maroonsand): no its not dude --- (frank) Can you help me install GTA3? (knightmare) first, shut down all programs you aren't using frank has quit IRC (quit) (knightmare): ... --- my teacher staples burger king application to failed tests --- (morganj): 0 is false, 1 is true, correct? (alec_eso): 1, morganj (morganj): b******. --- (MasterH) ...................................................................................................................................................... (judas) Where's pacman when you need him? --- (bombscare): I beat the internet (bombscare): the end guy is hard --- Hope you like them :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheEPICtrainrider Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 If Bartblv wasn't a dude I would hug him, cry on his shoulder, then offer him a bag of popcorn. Instead, I'll just give him a virtual high five. I would suggest looking up the "Three Wolf Moon Shirt" meme before reading this. A: "Dude, I bought this shirt, and I got 20 high fives at school!!!" B:" Blocking a slap to the face isn't a high five" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lol username Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Bart, those were purely epic. xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonic322 Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 I found those funny Bart. I looked up the shirt EPIC but I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aki Dazrold Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 person 1: d(>_<)b person 2: how'd you get that backwards d? person 3: it's called b Once a hardware technician I know had a job about 4 hours away from his house (this is the same guy I mentioned in the forced downloads topic) and he charges by the hour, trip out included. The customers in question were having problems with their printer; the previous one they had had suddenly stopped working and they ordered a replacement some time ago. The new one had suffered the same fate. He went through the routine phone support to see if he could fix it, and determined that he had no clue what the problem was and made the four hour drive to the customers house. The problem? The clip that held the cord to the printer was broken, and the cord kept falling out. It never occured to them to plug it back in. When he got over there, he just stuck it back in and it fired up. When his boss asked him what the problem was, he replied, "PICNIC". For those of you who don't understand that acronym, it means "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer". When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please." When God said please, Chuck threw your mom out of the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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