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The Epic Joke Thread


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TheEPICtrainrider

So there are three people in a bar: one has had to much to drink, one is very wealthy, and the Bar Tender. The Drunk guy says "I bet you 1,000 dollars that I can pee from one end of the bar, into that glass on the other," and he slaps the money down on the table. The Bar tender accepts, seeing as the man has had WAY to much to drink. So the drunk guy stands up, and starts peeing everywhere. He pees on the seats, the bar, the walls, and peenuts, the couch, the hookers, the beer, the bartender, everywhere except for the cup. The bartender starts to laugh, but the drunk man, who just lost 1,000 dollars, was still smiling. The bartender asks "Why are you still happy? You just lost all your money."

The drunk man points to the wealthy man and says "I bet him 10,000 dollars that I could make you laugh by peeing all over your bar."

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How does Teflon stick to the pan?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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In New York city,

So there are three people in a bar:

The bartender and two other (drunk) guys. One of them turns to the other guy and says, "Did you know that the winds up on top of the Empire State building are so powerful that if you leapt off, they would blow you right back up?"

The other guy is liek "bull"

The first guy says, "no rly, let me prove it."

So all three of them (the bartender wanted to see how this played out) go to the top of the building. The first guy takes a running jump off the building and goes about halfway down before stopping and suddenly flying back up. He lands back on the top, albeit rather ungracefully. The second guy is totally excited by this, and he then jumps off the building too, in the exact same way; same starting point, same speed, same jump. Only difference is, he keeps falling and splatters against the pavement. The bartender shakes his head in dismay. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

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HOLY LOL that one is funny, so is the peeing guy one. Here's mine:

Charles Dickens has a brother Harold. What do people call him for short?

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What do you do if a power Miner throws a grenade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you do if a Power Miner throws a pin at you?

Run for your life, he has a grenade in his mouth!

A smart Power Miner, a dumb Power Miner, and Santa Claus are on a bridge. Who jumps off first?

The dumb Power Miner; there's no such thing as a smart Power Miner or Santa Claus.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

22. One to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder, and 20 to drink until the room spins.

What's the difference between a baboon and a Power Miner?

One has a shiny butt, flea-ridden hair, stupid coloring and screams, the other is a baboon.

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A river guide and a preist die simultaneously. They both arrive at the pearly gates at the same time, and the gatekeeper awaits. He asks the river guide, "What did you do during your life on Earth?" The guide responds, "Well, I led tourists down whitewater rapids for fun and profit." The keeper says, "Welcome to heaven, brother!" and gives him a silk robe, a jewel-encrusted staff, and golden sandals, and lets him through.

He then turns to the priest. "What did you do during your life on Earth?" he asks. The preist responds, "I led the masses in prayer and worship to our fine Lord." He responds. The keeper says, "Welcome to heaven, brother!" and gives him a burlap robe and a closet rod. The priest saw what he gave the river guide, and is somewhat confused by this. He asks the keeper, "Um, sir, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I spent most my life devoted to our God, and yet you give me a burlap robe and a closet rod, but you just gave the river guide a silk robe, jeweled staff and gold shoes. I don't understand."

The gatekeeper responds, "oh, it's nothing agaist you sir, but we go by results up here. The people you led in prayer were mostly asleep on the pews, while the tourists the river guide there had were praying every five or ten minutes."

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HA

Yo momma is soooooooooooo crosseyed, she threw a rock at the ground and missed.

A boy goes to visit his redneck grandpa in the mountains. He and his grandpa eat breakfast, then go fishing. they come back, and the boy notices that there's still eggs from breakfast on the plate. He asks his grandpa why this is. His grandpa says: "Son, they were cleaned by cold water. You can't expect them to be perfect." So they eat lunch and then go to the general store to get dinner. They come back, and the boy gets the plates out. He notices a thin film on them. He asks the grandpa what it is. The grandpa says: "Don't worry about it, they were cleaned by cold water." So they eat, watch a football game on TV and then go to bed. The next morning, the boy gets up, and the grandpa is cooking breakfast. He serves it on two suspiciously dirty looking plates, and they eat. Suddenly, a dog runs through the kitchen with a dead squirrel in its mouth. The grandpa jumps up out of his chair and yells: "Drop it, Cold Water!"

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By popular demand, some more IRC quotes:

A: Hey, you know what sucks?

B: vacuums

A: Hey, you know what sucks in metaphorical sense?

B: black holes

A: Hey, you know what just isn't cool?

B: lava

---

(xterm) The problem with america is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take off the safety labels and let the problem solve itself?

---

A: HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!

B: try pressing the caps lock key

A: O THANKS!!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW

B: damn.

---

A: Lol

A: I download a song from some guy

A: And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done

A: I message him ad say "what are you doing? I just got that from you"

A: "Getting my song back"

---

(kow): There are 10 types of people in the world... Those that understand binary and those who don't

(SpaceRains): That's only 2 types of people, kow

(SpaceRain): STUPID

---

(tag) Ouroboros: let's play Pong

(Ouroboros): Ok.

(tag): | .

(Ouroboros): . |

(tag): | .

(Ouroboros): . |

(tag): | .

(Ouroboros): | .

(Ouroboros): Whoops

---

A: what does your robot do?

B: it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls.

---

(sonium): Someone speaks python here?

(lucky): HHHHHSSSSSSSSSSS

(lucky): SSSS

(sonium): the programming language

---

(reverend): IRC is just multiplayer notepad

---

(Sui88): 67% of the girls are stupid

(V-gurl): i belong with the other 13%

---

A: I got kicked out of barnes and nobles once for moving all the bibles to the fiction section

---

A: I there anyway I can tell the world I'm an idiot?

B: Of course, just type your name, where you live and your confession.

A: Kk

A: I am Mark Duval from Belgium, and I am an idiot.

A: ?

A: Now what?

B: Don't worry. It's done

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TheEPICtrainrider

3 guys are in a cafe

One says, "I've got the smallest arm of the world!"

Another says, "I've got the smallest head of the world!"

Last one says, "I've got the smallest **** of the world!"

The 3 guys go to Guinness World Records.

First one goes first and returns happy: "I've really got the smallest arm in the world!"

Second returns happy too, "I've really got the smallest head of the world!

Last one returns angry and screams "WHO THE HELL IS JUSTIN BIEBER?!"

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Events prior to Pangea breaking up:

Superman: Alright kids, the colors of the rainbow are written on the blackboard, and you can look at the picture of the rainbow hanging on the wall to see how it looks. I want you all to take your crayons and draw rainbows.

A little boy raises his hand.

Superman: Yes Adam?

Adam: What colors do we use?

EPIC FACE PALM

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A small man is sitting at his computer one day, programming what he has worked on for his whole life. He suddenly gets dumped by water, and it spreads on his computer.

Mayn: HAHA

Bakn: OH NO MY COMPUTER!

He quickly rushes for a towel, and he wipes the computer off with it. He presses the power button.

Nothing happens.

He walks away, grabs a knife and stabs himself repeatedly.

And no, this is not an "epic joke". It's a fail joke.

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A small man is sitting at his computer one day, programming what he has worked on for his whole life. He suddenly gets dumped by water, and it spreads on his computer.

Mayn: HAHA

Bakn: OH NO MY COMPUTER!

He quickly rushes for a towel, and he wipes the computer off with it. He presses the power button.

Nothing happens.

He walks away, grabs a knife and stabs himself repeatedly.

And no, this is not an "epic joke". It's a fail joke.

I feel that this post if flipping off the topic.

please delete it.

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In the time known as Episode Three...

On the very brink of the Freeman's Victory...

The RAGE of Vortikind for the MASSACRE of BLACK MESA WILL BREAK FORTH AND HUMAN BLOOD WILL FLOW AND FILL THE GUTTERS!

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