Ben24x7's abysmal LMB "Legends of Chima" fan-fiction [Documented]

[Ben24x7]

EDIT - 20/03/2019

Oh for goodness' sake, I thought this stupid fan-fiction had been destroyed after the LEGO Message-Boards were shut down. Turns out my younger self actually bothered to copy/paste/reformat the entirety of the story here in this topic.

 

I'd like to take this moment to say I'm not proud of myself for writing this. This is, quite possibly, the worst thing I've ever written on the internet, period (not even my first posts on this forum, where I was an attention-seeking buffoon with a short-fuse, can top this trash-fire).

This "story" has all the trappings of a really awful fan-fic: an "original character" who is the main focus of the story, a mash-up of different LEGO IPs/ideas/elements, and some of the worst writing/grammar you've ever seen.

...and this was not intended as a joke like "Half-Life: Full Life Consequences" or "legos in spess", this was something I was proud of writing at the age of 13.

 

...well... I'm not proud anymore. If anything, I hate myself for thinking this pile of garbage was worth writing and posting online.

 

 

 

Honestly, I would love to remove this story from RRU, especially since this topic is the last place you'll ever find it (I don't have a copy of it on my computer and since the LEGO Message Boards are dead, so is the version that was on there), but I'm a firm believer that everything deserves to be documented, no matter how minor, no matter how abysmal it is, no matter if it encouraged/inspired another LMB member to write their own bland fan-fic, it deserves to stay.

I know this might be a bit optimistic, but hopefully this terrible fan story will serve as a form of encouragement to those who want to write proper LEGO fan fiction(s), that no matter how weird or cheesy your story is, you will never write anything as horrific as this (unless you're writing a terrible fan-fiction as a joke, in which case, this should serve as a case of how not to write an enjoyably terrible fan fiction).

 

Read this if you really want to. It's not funny, it's not clever, it's a boring, shoddily-written, utterly stupid fan-fiction about a furry LEGO theme that, in and of itself, wasn't very good.

 

 

^{-- Ben24x7 --}

 

 

THE ORIGINAL TOPIC OP (UN-EDITED):

  Reveal hidden contents

[Original topic title: "LMB story"]

 

 

I stupidly posted up a link to my story which happens to be on the LMB in a topic where it explained someone (the director of the Lego television series and movies) had died.
 
Here I am plunking all of the story together. I will have to edit it over and over again.
 
Here it is:

 

 
Chapter one: Fred Cop. The one and only.
 

There was a minifigure from the City theme who was riding on a rocket through the universe. This minifigure was Fred cop, a male,  and as his last name says he is a police man. He wore black all over (apart from his hat which was white) with a badge, a white polo shirt and a navy blue tie. He was on his way home when he spotted a planet which was not marked on star charts. Fred's curiosity overtook him and he directed his rocket down towards the planets surface.

 

Fred raced over the ground and had a look around. It was the most in-human landscape he'd ever seen. He couldn't see much out the side of his rocket and was planning on going up and leaving the planet when something hit his rocket. Fred stared back at where the thing hit his rocket. Nothing was broken but a tail wing was really loose. Fred found himself descending towards the ground.

 

He turned around and tried to hold the tail fin in place but he struggled to reach it. He crashed into a slab of rock that pointed out from the ground and Fred went out like a burst light bulb. Several minutes went by and Fred awoke. He got up and found out that his rocket was completely demolished in the impact. He decided to rebuild the rocket but after a while he found out that many parts of the rocket were missing.

 

He face palmed himself and muttered aloud. Then he turned to face a massive fortress. Fred felt as though it was a mirage. He took several nips and took a look, it was still there. He again slapped himself in the face for thinking something stupid. He decided to take cover in the fortress for a while.

 

After a while of walking he reached the fortress walls. Fred thought it was beautiful. No only was it massive but the architecture was brilliant, and there was some sort of water fall landing right in the middle of it. Fred had a look around the fortress. There wasn't a front door so Fred entered. Thankfully none of the guards spotted him.

 

The building was even more magnificent on the inside than the outside walls. Fred had a wonder around. At one time he saw a guard and hid behind the closest thing (which was a Speedor but Fred didn't notice) and took a peek at the guard, was it... Was it just his mind?... Was it a...

 

Fred was honestly confused and speechless when he saw the guard walk by. Fred jumped out and quietly advanced up some steps. He then found himself on some sort of balcony in a massive hall with a pool in it. Fred was interested but then he noticed the tribe were not actual minifigures. The building was over 1000 years old and almost was crumbling.

 

If Fred knew this then he wouldn't have leaned over the balcony. It collapsed and Fred went down with it.

 

 

Chapter 2: Disruption!

 

Fred tumbled down and splashed into the water. He thought the water would cushion his fall but he felt as though he was burning. When someone uses Chi for the first time it feels like being born again but since Fred wasn't a minifigure from the LOC theme it felt like being on fire. He quickly swam towards the suface, pulled himself out and raced towards a wall, shrieking all the time.

 

He scratched at the wall, looking for a foot or hand hold but there wasn't one. He stopped and everything was silent. Fred could hear growling behind him and he swung around. It was the most awkwardest thing Fred had experienced in his life, being surrounded by minifigures with lion heads! The crowd of the lion tribe were advancing towards him, teeth bared. Fred crawled into a ball to keep himself safe...

 

"'Scuse me, allow me through, king's son on his way, Could you move over there please?" Came a voice from the crowd. The entire crowd looked around but Fred couldn't see anyone or anything. Another member of the lion tribe shuffled over to Fred and held his arm to him.

 

Fred looked up, reached for the hand, and was pulled up by the member. The crowd started to whisper but Fred could just make out the words "He is helping him? He doesn't belong here... Why does it have to be Laval?". Fred stared at the king's son. "Laval, right?" Fred asked.

 

"Yes! How did you know?" Laval asked in astonishment.

 

Fred rolled his eyes toward the crowd. "Come with me," Laval started as he helped Fred along the crowd. Fred suddenly felt stabbed by something and gave a yelp. Laval turned around. "Why do you do that to visitors?" He asked a member of the tribe. The member had a dark brown mane and some sort of black thing on his head, blood trickled down his body. He was a retired warrior after all.

 

The member was called Longtooth and he replied "Safety precautions,". Laval turned around and almost dragged Fred with him. Fred looked at Longtooth who was smirking as he went back into the crowd.

 

 

Chapter 3: Speedors away!

 

"Why are you even here?" Laval asked.

 

 

Fred and Laval were at a guard tower and were looking over the land. It was quiet which Fred liked to have now and then. He took a deep breath and answered "I was flying low over the surface in a rocket... When... uhh..." Fred was having trouble thinking and Laval accidentally interrupted his thoughts.

 

"Whats a rocket?" Laval asked. Fred didn't even bother explaining. "Something hit me, pretty powerful it was, and I crashed over..." Fred searched the landscape "...there," Fred pointed towards the slab of rock. Laval had a look and you could easily tell that there was a crash there.

 

"Why are you even here?" Laval asked once again. Fred sighed "I was looking for cover, somewhere where I could regain my energy and fix up my rocket. I am still missing a piece though,"

 

Laval straightened up "What is missing?"

 

"A Technic 1x1 half tube,"

 

"I think we have some..."

 

"Really?" Now Fred was straightening up. He couldn't believe his luck!

 

"But... They are in bad condition," Laval replied sadly. Fred almost fell off the tower after that! Fred sat himself down. "Well... I really do need it to get off this place,"

 

Laval thought for a second and replied "I think Leonardios spotted one flyby here... It may not have been..."

 

Fred sat up again. His excitement was building up. "Do you have any form of transportation?"

 

"We have Speedorz,"

 

"I... err..." Fred didn't know what a Speedor was even though he hid behind on earlier "Speedors it is then!"

 

"Right, down to the bowls of this fortress! And just to correct you... whats your name?" Laval asked as he and Fred walked down the steps of the guard tower.

 

"Cop... Fred Cop," Fred replied and then he viciously slapped himself because he said it in the style of James Bond which was pretty embarrassing.

 

"Right Cop Fred Cop! Down we go! And when you say speedorz pronounce the last letter as a z than an s,"

 

"Right right..." Was all Fred could say.

 

After a while both of them reached a small cave, two Speedorz were parked one looked like a Lion head and the other a crocodile one. "This one..." Laval started, pointing to the crocodile shaped one "Was stolen from the Crocodile tribe. This one..." Laval hopped onto the lion Speedor and started it up "...is mine!" He raced through the waterfall wall. Fred stared at the crocodile one.

 

He hopped onto it (without much enthusiasm) and tried to start it up. It didn't budge... Fred tried again, it stalled that time. Fred was mad by now that he yelled out "Laval! You are SO lucky I didn't have to use a..." He stomped on the Speedor's platform and it started up and drove away. Fred caught onto the Speedor and both he and the weird motorbike thing raced through the waterfall.

 

Fred didn't have time to say "gun"...

 

Chapter 4: First try

 

Fred was being dragged by the Speedor. He almost ran over Laval who was driving beside him at the exact speed. Laval couldn't help laughing. Fred was more frightened than enjoying it.

 

 

Finally Laval reached over and slowed the crocodile Speedor down and Fred stood properly on the foot plate. He took a deep breath, he was really scared. Fred looked at the ground, boy we are going fast! He thought. The Speedor shook for a moment and Fred looked at Laval who was ramming into Fred, signalling he wanted a race. Fred speed on and Laval right behind him.

 

For once Fred was enjoying himself. He could feel the wind in his face, he could hear the low rumbling of the Speedor crunching at the ground, it was very nice and quiet. There was an explosion right beside him and Fred awoke suddenly (he almost dozed to sleep in the quietness), they were driving right through the battlefield!

 

Fred gulped, this would be hard. Both Laval and Fred started to tilt over as they drove under the enemy's vehicles. Both tried to dodge missiles and weapons being swiped at them (Well, Laval was dodging, Fred was zigzagging here and there in a panic). Finally they passed the battlefield in one piece and entered the forest.

 

It was silent again but Fred didn't doze off, instead he payed full attention. He once again enjoyed the moment. They were enjoying it too much that when they cleared a passing they hardly noticed that a pack of wolves from the wolf tribe were there. Unfortunately one of the wolves noticed both Fred and Laval and now just a nice test drive turned into a hunt...

 

...And Laval and Fred were the ones being hunted!

 

Chapter Five: Why here? And why now?

 

Both Fred and Laval sped up but the wolf tribe were cathing up quickly. Fred spotted something on the ground, picked it up, and threw it behind him. And then he realised he had thrown the technic 1x1 half tube he lost, He wanted to bang his head against the speedor but he couldn't bend far enough. The technic 1x1 hit a tribe member in the face and knocked him out, he swerved and clashed into another speedor driver. The tribe members on the speedors knocked each one over like bowling pins!

 

Many down, One massive one to go! Thought Fred as he stared back at the 4x4 which happened to be coming towards them. A clawed winch, or hook... Fred couldn't tell, nabbed his corocodile speedor which started to woble dreadfully. Laval zoomed up towards Fred and yelled 'Jump over!!!' 

 

'Are you crazy?!?' Fred shrieked and unexpectedly the speedor wobled badly. He had no choice. He jumped over to Laval, landed, and watched his speedor (well, not his) run down the side of the landscape and into a ditch. Fred couldn't help but try and urge Laval to speed up as the 4x4 was catching up quickly. Fred closed his eyes, wished for a miracle, and felt himself going...

 

...Upwards!

 

 

Chapter six: Where are we going?

 

Fred kept his eyes closed,he could feel himself rising and wind in his face. He opened his eyes as suddenly he got hit by a tree in the face! He cleared his eyes from the branches and could hear someone laughing at his left. It was Laval, who happend to be in the clutch of some big bird claw, Fred realised he had a claw enclosed around his body aswell! Fred struggled and stopped trying, he stared upwards and saw the giant eagle thing he saw earlier and he was in its grip! He then noticed that the wings were not moving and there came a humming noise from behind.

 

A minifigure with wings and a eagle head came forwards, this was a member of the eagle tribe who were friends of the lion tribe. Fred did not know this but he also thought he was dreaming. 'Are you okay?' yelled the eagle tribe member over to Fred and Laval. Fred started to feel dizzy, he laughed weakly, and fainted.

 

Fred was out for a while and woke up suddenly when he felt himself crash into a peice of ground. He rolled for a while and came to a rest on a small rock slab. Fred opened up his eyes and found himself surronded by eagle tribe members who were wispering around. Fred stared around at the crowd that surronded him and muttered under his panting breath:

 

'Oh BOTHER,' 

 

Fred was lying on the stone ground with all the eagle tribe members staring at him in silence. 'Hey Fred!' came a voice from within the crowd, coming ever so closer. Fred reconised the voice, was it... could it be? The crowd parted and Laval came running towards him. Both hugged each other in delight. 'What just happened?' Fred asked as the pair split up.

 

'Eris saved us by using his eagle intercepter,' Laval replied and pointed to a eagle tribe member who was white all over apart from his beak which was yellow. He came up and explained. 'I could see you being chased by the wolf tribe. I could see you had taken out the ones on Speedors but you had trouble escaping the 4x4. It was also about to shoot at the two of you so I took the risk of nabbing you both to saftey.'

 

Fred understood as clear as glass. A voice suddenly rung out deep from the crowd saying 'Prepare for Ewald, the great and powerful leader of the eagles!!!' The crowd parted again once more and bowed as a blue and purple eagle stepped slowly from the crowd towards the two. Laval bowed to him but Fred did not understand and accidentally did nothing. The crowd just stared at him and Fred decided he should bow too. 'So this is the man you rescued Eris?' asked Ewald. Eris nodded and Ewald turned to Fred and Laval.

 

'What brings you here?' Ewald asked Fred. Fred started to worrie, what should he call the eagle standing in front of him? Sir? You highness? That sounded right. Fred then explained what happened and why he was in Chima. 'A technic 1x1 half peice?' Ewald asked, he pondered for a while then he spoke again 'I will give it to you if you will do a mission for me,'

 

'Yes, your highness?' Fred asked.

 

----------------------

 

'Oh botheration!'

 

Fred was sitting behind a bush, close-by to a murky river. He 'mission' happened to be to surrender to a tribe which crossed the river every now and then. The thing was, surrendering was NOT Fred's type of thing! He loathed surrendering. It was cause it would show how weak he was. Yet he could hear a brushing noise from behind. He shut his eyes and wished that he would not be dumped into the river.

 

 

Chapter seven: Traitor on deck!

 

Instead he was dumped onto the deck of a boat and he could hear gruff sounding voices. 'Good catch Crawly,' said one voice 'We could use a cleaner around here!'

 

Fred took a sniff and held it back, the boat smelled of something nasty. 'I am glad you appriciate fixing up your boat!' Fred said without thinking. Cleaning tools, wipes, bucket of dirty water and a mop, were dumped ontop of him. Fred picked it all up and started straight away. He was meant to find out the crocodile tribe's plan and yet he was put on cleaning buisness! Fred never felt so embaressed in his life!

 

Something suddenly fell out one of his pockets and he picked it up, it was a tape recorded with a blank tape. Fred grinned, he now knew what to do. When no one was watching and the leader had abandoned his room, Fred snuck in with his tape recorder. He put it against a table leg and set it to record. In the morning all he'd have to do is come down and find out what their plan was.

 

Fred started to boost up his work but this lead to what felt to Fred like hell. He started to wonder what the plan would be, then he worried about the tape recorder, could it possibly be full already? Was it found? Fred decided to check on the tape recorder. The leader was nowhere to be seen so Fred thought the coast was clear.

 

He found the tape recorder, he sighed because it turned out that it was not full yet. Fred was about to leave the room when he could hear footsteps coming. He hid under the table as the door swung open and the leader of the crocodile tribe, other wise known as King Crominus, came inside with another tribe member, Crawley, at his heels. Crominus took a seat near the table which Fred was hiding under, Crawley stayed standing up. 'What is the plan, Oh great Crominus?' Crawley asked, standing aback as Crominus could sometimes shout.

 

'Ah, the plan you ask?' Crominus said this to show he was listening, Fred who was fiddling with the tape recorder turned it on and listened carefully. 'When the Grand Speedor race is finished we launch an attack on the Lion and Eagle tribe members and rob the golden Chi from the winner!'

 

'But master, what if the winner was from our tribe?'

 

'We'll rob it from the member!'

 

Fred had enough and braced himself. Stand by for trouble!, he thought...

 

 

Chapter Eight: Over the river

 

Fred stood up (knocking the desk over and Crominus with it), pushed Crawley out the way and exited the room. He could hear the angry voice of Crominus shouting 'Get that man, I don't care if he dies I want him ALIVE OR DEAD!!!' Fred wanted to go faster but he remembered something and ran around to the back of the boat. Crominus had got onto his feet and sent a short army to search for Fred.

 

One member went to the back of the boat and got shocked out his wits, ducked, and Fred came flying around the corner on a Speedor. The crocodile tribe jumped this way and that as Fred rumbled over the deck and towards the edge of the boat. He hit something, went flying into the air, and cascaded into the water. The entire crocodile tribe were up on their feet and staring at the spot where Fred was earlier. There were air bubbles rising to the surface and unexpectedly...

 

...Fred flew out the water, clutching to the Speedor, and raced along the river. Luckily enough the Speedor was going fast enough to accually float on the water. Fred turned around and was about to do a rasberry at the crocodile tribe (especially at Crominus) until to his surprise two boats and a helicopter rose from the boat and followed him. Fred almost fell over and into the river as a shock to this.

 

He drove ever so faster and he found land nearby, he decided to hide in the forest as not one of the crocodile members would spot him but as he did this the helicopter followed him through the forest. It swerved around when it was going to hit a tree which poked out of the forest and Fred accidentally let go of the controls as he watched this happen.

 

The Speedor swerved to Fred's surprise and he ended up in a cave. There was little light in it and there was nobody around. Fred got up and could see a bottle of wine which the stem had snapped off. Fred remembered he was going to bring it with him to his destination beforehand but he had a better idea and was inspired from what was on the wall...

 

He had origonally found printings on the wall, telling the story of Chima, Fred couldn't understand it but he decided to record his adventure so far. He used the red liquid (not blood) as paint and did some work and he was impressed with the result (though it did drip a bit).

 

He crawled to the entrance to the cave and checked left and right, the coast was clear. Fred jumped onto the crocodile Speedor and raced out of the cave. He darted through the trees and ran over rocks. He wasn't enjoying this moment like he did before because he had to speak to Laval. He was told that Laval would head back to the tribe so Fred expected to see him later.

 

He rushed out of the forest and into the fortress. He parked somewhere (he didn't know where) and got off. He raced through the fortress on foot trying to find out where the tribe was. The fortress was empty and there was no one around, Fred guessed that all the lion tribe members where in the hall where he accidentally disrupted a meeting. He was able to find the hall because he could hear weeping, or something like weeping.

 

He peeked around a door and entered. A spear kind of weapon smashed into the door and something pounced onto him. Fred was knocked down easily because of shock. There he lay, on the ground, with a member ontop of him. It was Lennox but Fred didn't know who it was. Fred slowly opened his eyes and came face to face with what felt to Fred like the devil.

 

Lennox stood up and took a few steps backwards as Fred got onto his feet. Lennox didn't look at Fred for a while. Lennox suddenly turned around and faced Fred. 'I accuse,' started Lennox 'This man as murderer of our Laval!'. Several voices could be heard and this worried Fred, he panicked as he looked around him. He couldn't find Laval through the crowd but he could see someone holding a blue cape in their hands, Fred gasped. Could Laval have been... No.. Could he?

 

Fred stood there in great worry...

 

 

Chapter Nine: Gone for good?

 

Fred knew he didn't kill Laval but everyone thought he did. 'I didn't kill Laval!' Fred shouted to Lennox. He stared at Lennox as though he was mad (he was terribly mad at this moment anyway). 'I did NOT murder Laval! And you don't have proof!' Fred shriked at Lennox.

 

Fred calmed down and watched Lennox. 'Then what do you explain...' Lennox nabbed at Fred's hand 'This!' he held Fred's hand up in the air. The tribe members had seen an eyefull of a red liquid on Fred's hand and a few gasps went around. Lennox let go of Fred's arm, Fred let off his anger like a volcano.

 

'YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY OTHER PROOF THAT I MURDERED LAVAL!!!' He shouted out, causing an echoing sound around the building 'I MAY HAVE BEEN NABBED BY... by...' Fred stuttered, he belived he crossed the fine line between life and death. Lennox had perked his ears up. Fred now worried he probably offended Lennox.

 

He was unexpectedly pounced on by Lennox and about to be scarred for life but Lennox stopped. Fred looked around, he couldn't see anything that may have been bothering Lennox. Lennox got up, brushed himself (Fred was planning on doing that but he didn't want to be a copy cat), and left. Fred watched as the entire tribe exited the room, with Laval's cape for safe keeping, but there was one standing nearby.

 

It was Leonaidos who decided to help Fred up from the ground. "Here," Leonaidos started to say when Fred was onto his feet "Lennox can get a bit tough if you offend him. But I belive you can get his trust back."

 

"How?"

 

"Well, follow me,"

 

Fred was taken to the vehicle bay yet again and showed something.

 

"Cool," was all Fred could say...

 

Chapter ten: Race anyone?

 

Fred was unsure He was told by Leonardios that if he won the Grand Speedor Tournament he would be able to gain Lennox's trust for once. Fred looked around, he unfortunatly didn't know when to start or what the start signal was for that matter. He just stared around and took a look at his opponents (apart from the Eagle tribe) and reconised the one from the wolf tribe.

 

It was the one Fred bonked on the head with his technic 1x1 half tube without knowing it but he definatly saw the tribe member's face so that is why he reconized him. The wolf tribe member was called Winzar who took a very great disliking to Fred. Fred took another look around, he could see the crocodile tribe in the stands with their wepons hidden behind their backs. He was poked roughly and Fred turned around to look into the face of Winzar.

 

"Newcomer eh?" Winzar asked. Fred thought for a moment and before he could respond he was interupted by Winzar who said "I've better things to do than chat, like, beating you,". Fred never felt so offended in his life and he wanted to  shout at Winzar like he did to Lennox but Fred thought it would lead to immediate disqualification. Fred felt he really needed to know he was in a dream.

 

He shut his eyes and he slapped himself in the forehead (because minifigures cannot pinch themselves). It didn't work. He was about to try again when there was a flash of light and all the racers drove off. Fred didn't see the start signal but he understood.

 

He started his Speedor (I'll be honest it was Lennox's Speedor anyway) in record time and speed off. Fred started to think the following:

 

The race was on! 

 

Fred followed the group ahead and it wasn't like he expected. He usually got a facefull of dust every time he tried to catch up. He even tried going over a ramp but he wasn't going fast enough to go over them and accidentally collided into the Raven tribe's racer. This left a gap which was closed before Fred could get past.

 

Then there came the obtsicles. Fred crashed through an ice tower and the top half landed on the crocodile tribe's racer, Dodged two targets and got hit by the last one, and ran over a ramp so fast that he ended up above an obsticle. This was one violent race, was all Fred could think right now as the competitors and himself entered into the desert and towards the next obsticle...

 

Rings of fire...

 

Fred jumped through two and dodged the rest. Using the ramps and getting past the obsitcles would cross the fine line between losing and winning as it waould take him longer to pass through the hoops. He was reaching the gate that lead to a swamp but Winzar crashed into him on purpose. Fred flew off the track, up the wall, and ended up in middair.

 

After a quick bit of thinking Fred landed on the strong wire which supported the drawbridge. He landed safely but the drawbridge collapsed without anything to support it. But to Fred's annoyance Winzar made it over before the drawbridge could collapse. All the other competitors were stuck in the desert area. This was not a race anymore, it was now a battle of wits, bravory, and victory.

 

Fred would try and get ahead of Winzar but Winzar was always trying to block his way. The finale ramp appeared and at the end was golden CHI. Fred thought it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen so far. He couldn't get past Winzar though...

 

Unless...

 

Stand by for trouble! 

 

Fred took the chance to speed past Winzar but Winzar blocked Fred's path. Fred tried going to the left but Winzar still was blocking him off. Fred had a thought, he reached over to Winzar, tapped Winzar's back, and sped past Winzar when he tried to find out who was touching him. Winzar realised this and rammed into Fred.

 

Fred almost fell off! He regained his balance and he got himself ready for another slam but instead Fred decided to speed past Winzar yet again. He drove beside Winzar and got ready for a final sprint. But he wasn't ready for when Winzar rammed into his Speedor and Fred was sent flying into the air.

 

After some quick thinking and calculations Fred landed onto Winzar's Speedor. Winzar started zigzagging here and there just to shake Fred off. Fred almost slipped a couple of times and he then had an idea. He yelled, getting ever so quieter and quieter; "Waaaaaaah!". Winzar didn't bother to turn around but grinned. Fred smiled too, because it meant Winzar belived he fell off.

 

Part B! Fred thought as Winzar raced towards the final ramp. Winzar hit it and both went flying into the air. Winzar made a nab at the golden CHI, which was sitting on a colum. Fred readied himself Now or never. was all he could think of right now. Fred quickly climbed up Winzar, he used Winzars head for a support for his leg, and caught the golden CHI!

 

Winzar was angrily starting at Fred and was about to hurt him until the Speedor, Fred and all, crashed into the ground. Fred had readied himself for this, because he wrapped his arms around himself (and the golden CHI of course) and rolled along the ground. He eventually slowed down and he started to make deep breaths as it was a near thing.

 

Ewald had climbed down from his throne and said "As I am the leader of this event... I pronounce..."

 

He never finished.

 

 

Chapter eleven: DEAD OR ALIVE!!!

 

There then came a shriek from the crowd and Fred remembered. He had lost guard of the crocodile tribe's plan and he forgotten entierly about it while being deep into the race! "There is that traitor!" Yelled the voice and Fred could tell it was Crominus who hapened to be in a very mad mood "I want him DEAD OR ALIVE!" Then there was an imediate change from a peaceful cheering crowd (but it only came from the eagle and lion tribe) to a massive battlefeild.

 

Fred turned to run but he smacked into the colum and dropped the golden CHI. Fred fell onto the ground, dazed, as a crocodile tribe member (whoose name was Cragger) reached for the CHI. Fred stuck his leg out and swooped the golden CHI towards his hand and rolled over (because Cragger had made a leap for the CHI but fell onto the ground beside Fred) and ran off the battle zone, he had enough of all of this.

 

He reached his rocket and he decided to leave because he didn't earn Lennox's trust (but he didn't know) and he made a race into a fight. He repaired it within several minutes and he once again noticed that the Technic 1x1 piece was still missing. Fred sat on the ground, he had made a big mess overall.

 

Then he could see a crowd come up towards him, Lennox at the lead who was carrying Laval's cape. Fred felt worse when he caught sight of the cape. Fred stood up and...

 

...He walked over to Lennox and stared at the cape, immediatly all his thoughts about Laval flooded his brain and emptyed again. Lennox looked at the cape and then at Fred, he sighed, "Here," Lennox started as he tried to hand the cape over to Fred "We all allow you to take our Laval's cape," Lennox bowed, still holding out Laval's cape. Fred took it from Lennox but slowly.

 

Fred just looked at the cape, short memories swept his mind, while Lennox started to speak. Fred ignored Lennox's speech and more memories came to him (though it was only six or something minutes Fred had with Laval). He couldn't help but think of a wounded Laval, trying to reach home. Fred cried even more, as a policeman it was not his duty to cry about strangers but this was better than a stranger that dissapeared.

 

Lennox finished his speech and Fred almost burst out "I cannot accept this at all," as he tried to hand the cape over to Lennox, but he wouldn't accept it. "You may keep the cape as a suvineer or even use it for memories,"

 

"I... I cannot accept this..." Fred told the crowd while holding Laval's cape up high. But the crowd turned and walked away into the distance, Lennox followed. Fred sighed... He couldn't leave the planet without the missing piece. He slunk onto the ground. Then Leonardios came running out the fog, holding the technic 1x1piece in his hand.

 

Fred's face lit up as Leonardios handed the technic piece over to Fred. "The eagles found it," Leonardios explained "They were about to throw it away but I collected it for you,". Fred just had trouble responding but Leonardios went into the fog and Fred couldn't see him. He sighed... He had to leave...

 

He clambered onto his rocket, took one last look at Chima, and launched home.

 

The end?

 

 

[The sequel]

 

 

Chapter One: Wake up, head out

 

The alarm went off. Fred lazily reached for the clock and turned it off. He heaved himself off his bed, wiping his eyes from sleep mode. He got changed, fixed himself breakfast, and was about to leave his home when he accidentally tripped over a book lying on the ground and crashed into the bookshelf.

 

It toppled over and nearly landed on top of Fred! Fred regained concusness from the fright and started to pick up some books. While searching he found another book which was made of leather and read 'Journal' on the front. He dropped the other books and carried this particular book to his desk, work would have to wait.

 

He sweeped the desk clean, switched on his desk lamp, and opened the book. He reconised it and he remembered he used it to write things in. He then found a part of his book which said about his journey to Chima, he decided to read it, as it had been several years scince his journey to Chima.

 

He read it, and he found the golden CHI which was hiddin within the book, and he laughed through the funny parts, cried through the sad parts, and read it in the day and slept on it in the night. He continued reading it the next day when a gust of wind blew on the book and several pages flipped over.

 

When Fred stopped them he found something special...   ...he had written the co-ordinates to Chima!

 

He ran over to a wall, yanked on a star charts, and brought it over to the desk. He pinpointed the planet (which didn't show Chima at all) and ran outside. He boarded his rocket and launched.

 

He was heading back to Chima!

 

 

Chapter Two: Back to square one

 

Fred landed, carefully, onto the surface of where he crash landed several years ago. He hoped off, excited to see if there was anything new. He looked down the side and frowned... Ever since the battle in the Grand Speedor Tournament the battle field wasfull of activity.

 

He turned towards the fortress and frowned again, now the lion tribe were running into battle. The only member who noticed Fred was Lennox, who turned away when Fred spotted him. Fred sighed... nothing but worse stuff had happened while he was gone... He walked towards the forest.

 

He followed along a path which he remembered following on the Speedorz with Laval. The thought of Laval yet again flooded his mind. At least it was quiet for him not to be distracted. But he suddenly tripped over something and broke his wrist when he tried to break his fall.

 

He got up and looked at what he tripped over... He gasped...

 

It was Laval...

 

 

Chapter Three: Could he be dead?

 

Laval was lying on the ground, still breating thankfully, Fred neeled at Laval and almost cried doing so. Laval looked lifeless and Fred could help but try and retrive him. He was worried so much that when he was about to give Laval the kiss of life Laval coughed.

 

Fred almost feall backwards! Laval tried to get up but he didn't have enough energy so Fred helped him up. Laval staggered so Fred surpported him. Laval took a few breaths and he finally had enough energy to speak. "What in the world happened to you!?! You are bruised and scratched!" Fred asked.

 

Laval did a bit of panting and replied "I was walking the way back when I saw the Wolf tribe advancing. I dashed to the side of the path and jumped into a bush,"

 

"That still doesn't explain why you are bruised,"

 

"Well... It turned out I had jumped into a thorn bush. The Wolf tribe probably saw me hid because one came close-up and poked through the bushes. I was touched a couple of times but I tried to be as silent as possible,"

 

"Painful I bet,"

 

"You are on it! I got out as soon as the tribe passed. I walked on but my energy was draining. I didn't have any CHI to make it back so I fell over a lot because my legs were becoming pant,"

 

Fred stared at the spot where he found Laval "Soo.... You finally didn't have enough energy to get up?"

 

"Yes,"

 

Fred tried to help Laval along but like Laval said, he didn't have enough energy. Then tere was a BOOM noise coming from the battlefield nearby. Fred relised what it was. It was the thing (Fred still didn't know what it was called) that brought Fred down in his original adventure in Chima.

 

It was aimed at Fred and Laval...

 

All Fred could think was Oh this is soo great!

 

Fred quickly turned towards Laval. "Quick! What now?!?" Fred asked panickly. Laval turned his limp head over. "Do you have any CHI?"

 

Fred thought for a second, he did have golden CHI but does what Laval is trying to suggest require normal CHI? He pulled it out anyway. "Now what?" He asked but by this time Laval was taking his armor plating off and handed it to Fred. Fred put on the armor plating but he stopped "What does this have to do with the CHI?"

 

"Put it into your chest,"

 

"It is a solid object, I cannot put in into my chest,"

 

"I said put it into your chest,"

 

"Suppose you want me to swallow it don't you?"

 

"Just put it into your chest!"

 

Fred sighed, he stared at the oncoming missile. Now or nothing at all Fred thought. He pulled it towards his chest, got an electric shock, and pulled it back quickly. Laval was getting annoyed and you must never offend a member of the lion tribe.

 

Fred tried again and got an electric shock once again and pulled it away. "Howcan I trust you that I will not get defeated?" He asked Laval who was giving him the this-is-not-the-right-time-to-complain look. Fred breathed deeply and slowly planted it into his chest...

 

...Nothing happened. Fred looked at Laval. "What is supposed to hap..." He didn't finish as a big electric shock flown over him and he fell backwards. Laval stared at the missile and then to Fred. Laval face palmed himself, Fred couldn't hold the power of the golden CHI. Fred seemed alive because he twitched every few seconds.

 

Fred awoke suddenly when there was a massive BOOM coming from behind him. He found out he was under the cover of a bush. He looked over and saw where he was earlier. He stared at Laval and wondered what went on when he blacked out.

 

 

Chapter Four: Lost Friend

 

Fred was unable to get up so Laval helped him up. The tried to walk on but Laval was almost being dragged and Fred was starting to fall over himself. Finally, Laval let go. Fred tried all he could to get Laval to move on but Laval really couldn't move much. Fred then tried to pull him up but then another missile came flying from beyond the trees, heading straight towards the two again.

 

Fred was trying harder to pull Laval when he responded with "Leave me here,". Fred still tried while saying "Come on! If you stay here you will be blown to pieces!". Laval gave Fred the why-are-you-waiting?-just-go look.  Fred just couldn't bear it anymore and made up his mind. He left Laval sitting and hid behind an embankment. He couldn't help but let out a few tears. There was an explosion behind him and a flash.

 

Fred stared over the embankment and could see nothing except a small crater and many ash heaps. Fred didn't know that while he hid Laval got his energy back and made a runner for the bushes. The missile exploded and he ran home. Fred unfortunatly thought Laval was dead and turned around. The battle was going on close by and Fred's anger reached its peak.

 

He stole the nearest member's Speedor (it was Lennox's and now he didn't trust Fred at all) and drove off into battle. He snatched the nearest weapon (which belonged to a Raven tribe member) and charged for the nearest person (which were the Wolf tribe member's 4x4). He drove up the side of the 4x4, swiped at the driver (who ducked and instead Fred hit the stearing wheel), landed and fell off because the Speedor was going too fast.

 

The 4x4 tilted, since Fred broke the controls there was no way to stop the 4x4. The wolf tribe members jumped off their vehicle as the 4x4 landed ontop of Fred. Fred gasped for breath, his vision went blurry, and he fainted from loss of air...

 

 

Chapter Five: What just happened?

 

Fred did black out but still he felt himself shuddering. He fell off something and awoke suddenly as he cascaded into murky water. He was fully awake and was panicking, he had no idea how he ended up in the water. He immediatly swam upwards, maybe he was at home and sleptwalked through the city and fell into the pond. His theory was broken by the time he breached the surface.

 

He was in Chima still. He slapped himself on the forehead in emmbarassment. He could hear a voice growling "He is awake, haul him in,". Fred thought he was about to be rescued but instead a claw hook thing grabbed him by the shirt cuff and pulled him towards the shallow end. He was yanked up very heavily and fainted from loss of oxygen. Then the rumbling that came from earlier started all over again.

 

Fred woke after a long while in a cell. He was looking around and all he could see was a bunkbed a bowl of food (Fred didn't touch or eat it in case) and a barred window. Fred stared out past the bars, he could see the beutiful world of Chima unfold in front of his watering eyes (he wasn't crying, it was the dust). There was a massive CLANG behind Fred that made him jump.

 

It was a wolf guard. He was banging his Chi Jahak against the cell door. He stopped for a second and spoke "Come with me, you are moving cell, away from the window,". The wolf guard opened the door and Fred hastily exited. The wolf tribe member shut the cell door very loudly and a slam nose could be heard along the corridor, Fred shivered but you couldn't blame him for being scared.

 

He was moved to a cell down the corridor and the wolf guard kept his promise, there was no window. Fred slowly entered and the guard shut the door. "You will be staying in this cell with Watz," spoke the guard and he walked away. Fred looked at the eyes in a dark area of the cell, teeth bared. Fred gulped nerviously.

 

Fred backed towards the cell door as the grin approached. Fred was now pressed against the cell door. The grin stopped coming closer. There was a flash of light in Fred's eyes and Fred fell to the ground, rubbing his eyes. The person (thing possibly) advanced into the beam of light that came from the opposite cell window. It was a Wolf. Fred started to get really worried all of a sudden.

 

But the Wolf just sat down beside him, sighing. Fred was still unsure about being in the cell and he was wondering why he was moved. The Wolf held his (her?) hand to Fred. "Hullo, I am Watz," The Wolf spoke oddly, shaking his hand to signal tht he wanted to shake hands with Fred. Fred just stared at Watz, he stuck out his hand slowly and Watz grabbed it and shook it as soft as possible (which almost scarred Fred's hand).

 

Watz let go, Fred noticed the wolf happened to be chained to a big ball of steel. "What's your name?" Asked Watz politly. Fred just stared at Watz as if he were mad. "Fred cop," Fred muttered in annoyance.

 

"Sorry?"

 

Fred sighed, he wished he was home, drinking some tea in front of a cosy fire. "Fred Cop," he spoke properly this time. Watz started to mutter, Fred could at a few points hear Watz mutter his name at least twice. Watz looked at Fred and asked "Why did you end up here?".

 

Fred took a deep breath. "All I did..." He started off "was get crushed under a vehicle and I fainted. I came to when I got dumped into a river and pulled out again. Then I appeared in a different cell and then you know the rest... Why are you here?" Fred asked, you must speak carefully to a wolf, if they get offended they tend to pounce at you.

 

Watz looked down at the concrete floor. He didn't reply but he just sighed, stood up and walked over to a wall, feeling for something. Fred looked up at him "What are you doing?" He asked but there came no reply. Watz got hold of something and pulled out a big chunk of the wall. Fred stared but his question wasn't answerd...

 

 

Chapter Six: Freedom!

 

Fred just stared idily at Watz and the hole. "What has this got to do wi..." started Fred but he never finished. Watz just signalled him to go thorugh the hole. Fred obeyed, but it took a long while since he was hesitating. Watz followed. They had ended up outside the cell and in the colourful world of Chima yet again, they covered their eyes since it was quite bright and their eyes needed to focus.

 

Fred stared around. "Where should we go?" He asked Watz. Watz sighed as he put the piece of wall back in place. He turned around and walked over to Fred and told him "I spread the evil plan our tribe is doing with other tribes," Watz walked around in circles for a moment. Fred thught for a second, then he replied:

 

"Is that why you broke the wall?" Fred asked.

 

"Yes, I haven't spread the word to certain tribes yet," Watz tried to lean over but there was nothing to keep him balanced and Watz fell over, Fred helped him up.

 

"Should we finish your work?"

 

"Right..." Watz thought for a second "Follow me," Watz headed along the cell walls and Fred followed behind him. After a while of walking Watz spotted a stationary Pack Tracker. It was guarded though, Watz turned over to Fred and whispered a plan into Fred's ear (yet, of course, he didn't have any). Watz hid behind the Pack Tracker, pulling out his Chi Jahak while Fred climbed onto top of the Pack Tracker.

 

Fred waved his arms at the guards. "Oi you furballs, I broke out. Won't you try and get me you great lazy furries!". Now if there is one thing about the wolves is that they don't like being called 'furries', the guards were approaching Fred, they were very offended. Watz readied himself...

 

...And swung down at the guards heads, knocking them out. Fred jumped down from the Pack Tracker. "What now?" He asked Watz. Watz stared at the Pack Tracker, a grin spread across his face. Fred watched as Watz climbed onto the vehicle and signalled for Fred to hop on. Fred hesitated for a while, but he gave up, climbed up the massive 4x4 (he realised it looked like the one that tried to defeat Laval and him several years ago), and stood behind Watz.

 

Watz pulled a lever and the big machine roared into life. Fred was looking around, nothing was moving. Watz pulled something from his pocket. He was holding some Chi and planted it down somewhere on the vehicle. A great blue flash burst over the vehicle to show it was powered. Watz turned to Fred. "Get into the back," He whispered but tried to make himself heard above the noise of the Pack Tracker, Fred obeyed sadly and hopped into the back.

 

The vehicle started off suddenly and Fred was thrown in large cartwheels into the front and into the back again. They were off! Fred expected the journey to be smooth since the hydrolics would keep the wheels at the same level but today the hydrolics were rusty, not well oiled either, and the entire 4x4 suddered dreadfully. Fred had to hold onto the missile launcher to stop being thrown about.

 

Things were going well (apart from the shaking of course) until some sort of disk rushed towards the Pack Tracker and burst one of its tires. It fell and Watz and Fred were thrown to the ground, there was a vehicle with a lion heead on it and someone jumped down, running to attack. Fred almost fainted...

 

...It was Lennox and he was coming to attack him!

 

 

Chapter Seven: Forgotten several years ago?

 

Watz reacted quickly and pulled up hhis trusty Chi Jahak to parry blows from Lennox's Decalus. Fred just sat there and watched, doing nothing, until Watz yelled to him "Change the tire!!!". Fred got up and walked around the Pack Tracker in confusion. Watz was trying his best not to get injured, since Lennox and Watz were so good at swordfighting all that Watz had lost were a few strands of fur from his ear tips.

 

Fred was running around the vehicle like a blind chicken, panicing dreadfully. After a while he noticed that there was a spare wheel underneath the main body of the 4x4, it was strapped by an axle piece which Fred simply pulled out. He didn't ready himself so the wheel fell ontop of Fred and rolled down the hill. Fred slapped himself, he ran to snatch it. Watz and Lennox's battle was nearing the Pack Tracker!

 

Fred was still chasing the tire and at one point fell over and rolled down the hill faster than the tire. He got up and tried to stop the tire and push it back up. Fred succeded in catching the tire but when he pushed the tire he was pushing it downwards not upwards. The tire rolled over Fred's back, and went rolling back down the hill. By now Fred knew that he couldn't reach the tire and push it up in time.

 

He climbed up the hill, jumped onto the rear of the Pack Tracker and pulled out some hinge bricks. Quickly he assembled them to make a round shape and painstakingly insterted it around the wheel rim. The ride would be very uncomfertable but it would be worth it. Somehow Lennox and Watz were high in the trees. Lennox made a swipe at the branch Watz was clinging tightly onto.

 

It broke and Watz fell down from the tree, Chi Jahak and all. Fred noticed this and reved up the 4x4's engine and it spluttered into life. It drove off, Fred at the wheel. Fred knew that if he got his timing wrong then Watz would crash painfully into the ground. Fred sped up, going quicker and quicker. He neared his target and then... 

 

 

Chapter Eight: Did he make it?

 

WOOUMP! Watz landed heavily at the back of the 4x4. Wtz was knocked out since it has quite a bump. Fred ignored Watz, he had a vehicle to drive! The Pack Tracker wizzed off with low rumbling noises. It was all going well when the 4x4 shook suddenly and Fred looked back. Lennox was trying to ram into the Pack Tracker! Fred pulled and pushed the gearstick to try and speed up.

 

Going faster was a big mistake, the vehicle shook wildly and Watz's limp body almost fell out of the back. Fred wished he was using a Speedor. He made a dash for a nearby forest, he didn't know that this particular forest was the Falling Jungle! Lennox turned away as Fred entered the Falling Jungle, Fred wondered if Lennox was a scardy cat (get it?) but after about five seconds Fred regretted what he had done.

 

Trees! They fell everywhere! Fred had to wish that he (or even Watz for that matter) didn't get squashed under a tree. At a point one fell down in front of him but thanks to the Pack Tracker's powerfull suspension he rode over it, a bit softly. At another point a tree fell towards the middle of the Pack Tracker and Fred was so scared (you would probably be scared as well if a tree was going to fall over you) that he backed into the Missile Launcher on the 4x4.

 

A missile fell out and smashed the tree to splinters. Fred was still ducking, until he noticed that the tree wasn't there. He nabbed the steering wheel and spun it like he never spun before! Watz finally came to and noticed they were in the Falling Jungle, Watz tried to grab the steering wheel but Fred was keeping it covered. There was a point another tree fell down and Fred drove off towards the left and the Pack Tracker had ended up at the side of the Falling Jungle.

 

Fred was panting, he was both scared and tired (for some reason). Fred put the 4x4 into a standstill and both Watz and Fred fell out the Pack Tracker as a result of this. Watz landed onto the ground but Fred cascaded into a river for the third time.

 

 

Chapter Nine: Not rivers again!!!

 

Fred would've been able to swim towards the surface if only he wasn't wearing work clothes! He sunk like a big rock towards the riverbed. He was running out of oxygen until he noticed that Watz was stareing at him from the edge of the river. If there is another thing Wolves don't like is getting wet, especially if the river or whatever is really deep. Watz did keep his distance and only watched Fred down till he dissapeared quickly.

 

By now Fred ran out of air and fainted. Watz on the other hand released a grappling hook (it was a claw actually) into the river, expecting Fred to grab onto it. Since Fred did faint he didn't grab onto the hook but instead sunk deeper and deeper. Watz started to worry, he lifted the hook back above the river surface and tried throwing it back in again. Since there was still no reply Watz started to wiggle the hook around like a fishing rod.

 

Still no sign of life in Fred. He had reached the riverbed and got stuck there. His minid was blank, his vision was blurry and he couldn't hear anything. Fred wasn't moving at all, again he wasn't dead, just lost his breath. Watz, still above the surface, couldn't stop himself, he dived in and came swimming back to the surface and quickly got onto land, he was really frightened of water.

 

Watz took a deep breath, dived in, and quickly nabbed Fred before he urged himself to get to the surface. On his way up he also lost oxygen and sunk just like Fred did. Both landed ontop of the riverbed and stayed there for a while. At one point Fred felt he was being jerked and pulled upwards by something, he wondered if Watz finally had the chance to save him but when he reached the surface he almost fell back into the river again...

 

 

Chapter Ten: Blind or Brain damaged?!?

 

It was a wolf, no lie, a real wolf. Fred would've fainted by this. Watz walked towards Fred. He helped Fred up. "Look at it!" said Watz as though he never seen a wolf in his life "We have here a legend beast!". Fred almost choked on the words 'legend beast', he thought something was wrong with Watz. "That..." Started Fred, walking towards the wolf "...is a wolf,"

 

Watz just stared at Fred as though he had gone mad. "No, according to the Great Story this is a legend beast,". Fred slapped himself on the forehead, "It...Is...A...Wolf!" Fred spoke slowly to see if it made a differance.

 

"Lengend beast,"

 

"Wolf,"

 

"Legend beast,"

 

"I am sure you can see past your eyes that this is a flipping wolf!" Fred had reached his peak. Note this please, never ever ever offend a tribe member, no matter which tribe they are from. Watz was almost bubbling in anger.

 

"Do you even know about the Great Story!?!"

 

"What is the Great Story?"

 

"You are useless!" Watz yelled "I shouldn've freed you!"

 

"You had the flipping chance to escape before I moved cell!"

 

Fred felt he had gone too far, he stepped back. A short gowling noise could be heard from Watz's throat. Fred didn't give up but he kept his mouth shut, so did Watz. Then Fred, still without saying a word, turned around and walked off, he felt he had better things to do rather than stand around arguing against Watz. Watz watched Fred dissapear, what had he done?

 

Fred looked back, what had he done? Both wern't pleased yet Watz knew more about the land than Fred. Fred sighed, turned around and walked back to Watz again, this time he knew what to say. Watz looked at Fred, he knew what to say as well. Both took a deep breath and both said "I am sorry... What?". They wern't able to understand each other when both were speaking at once.

 

Both stood there silently. Fred cleared his throat. "What can we use a 'legend beast' for?"

 

Watz didn't frown, nor did he smile "We can ride it,"

 

Fred looked at the real wolf.

 

"C'Mon, Lets go!" Fred spoke aloud.

 

It took a while for Fred to mount onto the so called 'Legend beast' but it took Watz 8 seconds to hop on.Once Fred was settled the Wolf charged of, Both Fred ad Watz holding on tightly to the creature's back. After a while Fred got confused about where they should be going. "Watz?" Fred asked "Where exactly are we going?". There came no reply from Watz but a grin spread across his face.

 

Fred was really uncomfortable about that grin. At one time the so called 'Legend beast' had to jump over something (Fred and Watz didn't see what it was) and Fred accidentally let go. He slid down the back of the creature and caught onto it's tail. It was even more uncomfortable holding onto the tail but since Fred couldn't climb up the tail and back onto the body he had to keep a good grip around the tail.

 

Fred didn't know where they were going and wished it would be safe and not a trap or whatever. "I cannot understand..." Watz wondered aloud "Legend beasts only come when we need them. There isn't a war or whatnot but I just don't seem to understand...", Now Fred wasn't able to understand what Watz was saying. The wolf came to a standstill and Fred went flying into the air yet again.

 

This time he landed onto the ground and happily not a river for the fourth time. Fred just lay there panting, If he were to tell anyone then this would be the most weirdest part of the story. Watz leaped down and walked over to Fred. Fred got up with the help of Watz. He stared around "Where are we?". Watz smiled, he grabbed Fred by the soulders and turned him around, Fred was so amazed it was as though Watz read his mind...

 

...They were at the fortress of the Lion tribe! 

 

 

Chapter Eleven: Comeback!

 

Fred was literaly hopping up and down in excitment, it had been several years since he'd been inside the fortress and there he was, very close by. He wanted to race towards its walls and get in but it was Watz who stopped him, Fred looked at Watz.

 

"What?" Fred asked.

 

Watz didn't reply for a while but Fred felt as though Watz knew something wrong was going to happen.

 

"We need to get in without using the front 'door'," Watz later replied, Fred knew a great place to solve Watz's problem. Fred signalled to Watz for him to follow Fred. The two went off, Fred at the lead, to a wall where there were still vines which lasted long ago. Fred jumped up and caught one, climbed up a bit and said to Watz that he should do the same. After a short climb they were over the wall.

 

Both then jumped down and walked around the fortress, Fred almost knew where he was going. "Wait..." Fred stopped "Why did we just leave the 'Legend beast' behind?"

 

Watz stopped too just to think "Well, usually once it is done its job it goes back from where it came from, in other words, no one knows where they go,".

 

Fred just looked at Watz, now Fred was almost confused. Fred decided to change the subject "Are you looking for anyone in particular?"

 

Watz grinned at Fred, Fred didn't like it when Watz grinned, it looked like Watz was smiling in an evil fashion. "The whole tribe to be honest," Came the reply from Watz. Fred took them to the 'hall' (with the sacred pool of water) which was empty. Both then went to other places, absouloutly not one sign of a tribe member at all. Fred wondered if this was the wrong fortress but if he remembered  the area then why was there no one here?

 

Fred facepalmed, the whole Lion tribe was in battle, Laval (or so Fred thought) was dead. Fred turned to Watz. "I am sorry, This is th..." Started Fred when there was a massive crash noise from somewhere within the fortress. Fred ran around, still with a glimmer of hope in him...

 

 

Chapter Twelve: War zone! Keep out!

 

It was what Fred least expected, the fortress was under attack and there was only him and Watz to defend it! Watz did keep cool but Fred ran around in circles like a top. Watz stopped him.

 

"Listen, We need defenses..."

 

"Which we don't have!" Fred almost shrieked

 

"Unless we create some ourselfs,". Before Fred could reply Watz ran down from a look out tower and scavenged around the fortress like mad. Fred slowly followed after him. Watz didn't do much, he took pieces and bricks from vehicles and weapons (And to Fred's unfortunate dislike the building itself) to create stuff to defend with. Watz handed a few of his custom made weapons to Fred.

 

"Get to a defense tower and get rid of the tribes who are attacking!" Commanded Watz as thpugh he wanted to be an army commander when he was a bit older. Fred obayed and got to a defense/look out tower. Ravens, Crocodiles and Wolves were attacking and Fred thought if both him and Watz would make it. Fred started to fumble with one weapon that was particularly heavy.

 

He started it up and the weapon gave a satisfying rumble noise He let fire and many 2x4 bricks came flying out, mostly coloured tan. He used this weapon to try and bring down the circling Ravens without much luck. Fred suddenly dodged an incoming grappling hook and watched as it moved along the floor and grabbed onto the edge of the walls.

 

Fred looked over to see some Crocodile members trying to climb up. Fred pulled out some sort of sword (Again it was custom made so Fred had no idea what it was) and used it to cut through the ropes. He used the 2x4 shooter thing against those who were on land. He heard a "RUDDARUDDARUDDA!!!" noise beside him and noticed Watz was trying to do the same thing.

 

Toghether the two smashed Croc vehicles, hit Crocodile mambers and put a stop to the Croc's, Fred grinned One down, two more to go!

 

 

Chapter Thirteen: Two to go!

 

Fred tried to shoot 2x4s at the advancing Wolves and failed miserably. He used a different weapon, he had no idea how to use it and what it did. He didn't feel as though it counted as a weapon, it was a glowing injector thingy. He tried to lamely use it from the tower but all the item did was squirt out light blue liquid which didn't go very far. Fred looked into the injection part of the whatever-it-was.

 

He accidentally pulled the trigger and the blue liquid moved into his chest. Fred felt as though he was flying, then he felt like he was being ripped apart! He tried to keep himself in one piece and he fought the blue liquid, he got electroshoked like he did many hours ago when he tried out CHI. Then he realised what the blue liquid did. He tried to use the liquid against the Wolves down below, it didn't quite reach them though.

 

Fred pulled up the 2x4 shooter thing and emptied all of the liquid from the injector item/thing into the piston opperated barrel of the 2x4 shooter. He pulled up the 2x4 thingy and shot out bricks covered in the blue liquid. The bricks went farther and landed right beside the Wolves on foot and their vehicles. The two were ripped apart thanks to the blue liquid, Fred smiled.

 

Now only the... Whatever it is (Fred was thinking about the Ravens) Fred thought, he swung around the 2x4 shooter to attack then the worst he feared happened. The 2x4 thing shuddered and fell apart, all that Fred was holding onto was the barrel and some sort of engine. Fred looked around, then he tried to use the blue liquid against the Ravens until he remembered/realised there was no liquid in it.

 

One of the Raven vehicles turned around as it flew over Fred and it came to grab Fred from the defense tower! Something blue, white and slightly yellow flashed past Fred's eyes and for some reason the driver/pilot of the Raven vehicle start to spin as it came down. It crashed into the walls of the tower, it shook. Fred knew this wouldn't end well...

 

Fred tried to move to lower ground but the staircase collapsed. The defense tower shook wildly, Fred running to areas trying to balance the tower. But the tower collapsed all the same, Fred went tumbling down and suddenly got caught by something, he reconised it immediatly. It was the Eagle jet that saved him and Laval several years ago! Fred wasn't scared at the time and clung onto the claw enclosed around him.

 

Slowly the jet made its way down to the ground, Fred let go and tumbled along the ground. He got up, brushed himself and tried to find a way to defeat the Ravens (it was equal equal to be honest). Then the Ravens shoot at him from above, since it would be an easy shot, and Fred made a runner. He went a bit too far and ended up in the same forest from many hours ago.

 

 

Chapter Fourteen: What next?

 

Some of the Crocodile's were hiding in the bushes to fight any Lion that passes but since they didn't reconise Fred as an enemy or a friend they attacked him anyway. Fred got a fright, he didn't have any weapons or anything to defend himself! He dodged the first attack jumped over the second and then he noticed some sort of weapon up in a tree. All he had to do was to get that weapon, battle the Crocs and make a get away.

 

He got punched in the face while he was thinking and Fred was thrown aback. Fred wasn't ready at the time and now he was. He leapfrogged over the third attacked, spun the fourth one in a circle and dodged the first one again but this time he tripped the first attacker up. Fred made a runner for the tree, the Cocodiles right behind him. Fred wasn't good at climbing but some bits of bark stuck outwards from the tree trunck, making a good foothold.

 

He slowly clambered up the tree, the Crocodiles followed, trying to swipe at Fred. Fred reached the weapon and was about to catch it with his hands (claws? Who knows if a minifigure's hands are literally claws?)when a Crocodile made a swipe at his legs. It didn't hurt Fred but the Croc's weapon was tied around Fred's leg!

 

The Crocodile pulled but Fred tried to cling tightley to the branch while reaching for the weapon at the same time. Fred tried to shake the weapon off his leg which didn't work. He pulled himself futher up the branch and made a reach for the weapon once again and caught it! He swung it down, hoping to hit the Croc's face. Instead he sliced through the thread between his leg and the Crocodile's weapon.

 

The Croc fell down the tree, knocking its partners down. Fred stood up, jumped onto another tree, landed perfectly onto the ground, and ran back towards the Lion fortress.It took him a while to find a way out but he did in the end. As he edged out the forest he got surprised. The Lion's were there!(And some other tribe Fred didn't reconise)

 

Fred ran out into the battlefeild, not knowing about the enviroment around him. A missile hit nearby Fred which was enough for Fred to get shocked and run back into the forest. Once he was in the forest he thought about how he would get to the fortress. He made a plan but it was a bit crazy...

 

 

Chapter Sixteen: Go! Go! Go!

 

While the battle continued onward, a little bush edged out of the forest. It moved along towards the Lion fortress. Fred, who was under the bush, thought this was the lamest disguise nature built. Everytime someone or a vehicle came close Fred would stand still (at one point he was almost run over by a vehicle) and he would have to get up and walk along a bit more.

 

It was a tremendous battle yet Fred couldn't watch it unfold through the leaves of the bush. Fred wondered if Laval had reunited with his Tribe. There came a strong gust of wind and Fred's bush disguise flew off him, now everyone could see Fred. Without thinking Fred made a runner towards the Lion fortress. He didn't get hurt thankfully but a bit bruised from some of the twigs.

 

He finally made it into the Lion temple [Yes I am correcting it] and gasped for breath. He looked up at the hole riddled Lion temple (It had holes because Watz needed some bricks to make his weapons) which was in danger of collapsing. It stood strong but it swayed. Fred looked at the battlefield and noticed that thee Lions, Eagles, and the other thing (which were the gorillas) were being beaten, Fred had an idea.

 

He ran down into the 'Speedor bay' as he alwasys wanted to call it, jumped onto Laval's royal Speedor and drive through the rush of water and out into the battlefield! Fredd had some rope with him and prepared to use it just incase things didn't go right. He sped past the other tribes (the ones who were attacking of course) blowing rasberries and hoping the attacking tribes would follow.

 

It worked, Fred veered to the right as a massive stampeed followed him. Fred counted down from five to get his timing right.5...4...3...2...1...

 

Fred started to spin around the huddle of Crocodiles, Wolves and Ravens. He threw out the rope and started to tie it around the tribes. Finally the tribes were stuck together, those in the center of the huddle were being crushed. Fred though it would do until...

 

 

Chapter Seventeen: Until what?!?

 

...Someone from within the huddle sliced through the rope, freeing all the tribes. Fred gulped, he didn't plan for this! All the tribes ignored Fred and went back on attacking the temple yet again. Fred could see thhat Watz was trying his hardest at defending the temple but his weapons were becoming useless. Fred noticed that some tribes were crowded around the captured Lions, Eagles, and something (once again the gorillas).

 

Fred revved up the Speedor and raced off towards the crowd. He knocked them away one by one (apart from the ones who dodged out of Fred's way). This is just like bowling! Fred thought. Finally the captured were clear and Fred jumped down to try and get the net off them all. At one point Fred was almost hit by some streak of red lighting (he had no idea what it was so lets just leave it as lightning okay?) and got thrown aback as a result.

 

He pulled out the sword thing he found earlier (it actually was a Vengious (look it up, it is an actual Chima weapon)) and sliced through the tangled ropes. All the tribes (who were tied up of course) were free, unfortunatly they all turned to attack the charging tribes. Fred tried to help out but his footing wasn't perfect and he tripped himself and someone else one time. Fred looked at who he tripped up. He was head to toe in surprise but joy as well...

 

...It was Laval.

 

 

Chapter Eighteen: Alive and Well

 

Fred grinned but Laval didn't even smile but he got up and raced off. Fred got up slowly and ran after him, there was something he wanted to know. Laval was battling away while Fred was plundering after him. Fred then built up the courage to ask Laval.

 

"Laval? Umm... I need to ask you a question," Fred asked. Laval didn't respond so Fred decided to ask away "What are the properties of CH..."

 

Laval turned around, nabbed Fred by the wrist and pulled him towards the forest. Fred had enough of going back and fourth, back and fourth that he started to feel sick. Once inside the forest their path was blocked. Laval pulled out his Valious (another real Chima weapon) and started to slice through anything in both his or Fred's path. Fred pondered for a second.

 

"Can I as..." He started but Laval intrerupted.

 

"Not yet," Was all he said. Fred stayed silent and watched Laval edge further into the forest slicing any obstacles in the way. Finally the two were deep in the forest and Laval allowed Fred to speak.

 

"Sorry, I was asking what..."

 

"...Are the properties of CHI," Laval finished Fred's sentance for him. Laval then looked down at the ground as he muttered "I have no idea..."

 

"Pardon?"

 

"I have no idea..." Laval spoke clearly. Fred got frustrated.

 

"So you dragged me halfway through a forest just so you could say 'I have no idea'?!? I am SURE YOU KNOW SOMETHING,"

 

"Seriously, calm down Fred," Laval spoke desperatly. The last thing he wanted to see was Fred being so angry at him. Fred was calming down for no apparent reason (I need to cut things short okay?) and decided to head towards the Lion temple. Laval stopped him.

 

"What are you doing?!?" He wispered.

 

Fred turned around, a massive grin spread across his face.

 

"We are going to save the fortress!" (You do need to remember Fred didn't know it was a temple)

 

Laval was also grinning, and followed Fred. Fred might've looked like he knew what to do but he had no ideas.He just planned to run towards the temple somehow. Fred looked at Laval.

 

"Say, Laval? Doy uo have a Speedor with you?"

 

"Come with me," Laval spoke as he led the way. Fred slowly unconfortably followed. They both had to run, with all the weapons and missiles flung toward them. They also had to avoid getting crushed. Finally they both ended up in the vehicle bay of the Lion temple. Laval's Speedor was not there. Fred remembered. He noted to Laval for him to follow but Watz bumped into Laval.

 

Laval threw Watz onto the ground, Fred stared in shock. Laval aimed his Valious at Watz's neck. Before Laval could make a swipe Fred jumped at Laval, odd moment odd reaction. Both Laval and Fred rolled along the floor. Laval tried to get Fred off him but Fred was trying to tell him that Watz was on their side.

 

"Look it you just liste..."

 

"You listen to me!" Laval tried to roll over but Fred pulled him back.

 

"He is fine, Watz is on our side!"

 

"That is not Watz,"

 

"How can you tell!?!" Yelled Fred. It became quiet in the Lion temple. None of the three moved, spoke, or even breathed. Fred had gone too far. Watz walked up.

 

"I swear I am no enemy Laval," Watz spoke to Laval,

 

Laval's temper started to perk up "How can you prove it?"

 

"I'll tell you the Wolv... actually it is all the Croc's idea... I know the plan of the other side!"

 

Fred looked at the two. neither of them would speak but stared at one another. Fred took several steps back just in case. Still silence. Fred left the room and decided to find Laval's Speedor, he could hear the shouting of Laval and Watz behind him.

 

Great, now my two (almost) friends are enemies to each other! Fred thought annoyedly.

 

 

Chapter Nineteen: Rocket cannon failure!

 

While This arguement was going on Fred decided to see if he can do anything in battle. He stared out, there was quite an army. As he noticed even though his side were capturing the enemy whoever got captured would simply escape. Fred didn't know what to do. He ran around the temple, hoping to find something useful. Then he spotted his rocket [i was the one who forgot his rocket was still there] on the big slab of rock.

 

He ran up to it, looking for nessissary componants. The ones he was looking for were all there, he pulled out a piece and the entire rocket fell to bits literally on purpose. Fred got to work on constructing a cannon. Down below a missile hit a bit of rock which supported the slab of rock Fred was on. The pillar collapsed and thhe slab of rock slowly started to tilt.

 

It was only then Fred had finished the cannon (which was made to shoot out 1x2 plates) that the slab started to collapse. Fred clung tightly to the cannon which was slipping towards the edge of the slab, he didn't even use his cannon! Finally he couldn't hold on and slipped. Falling down he landed onto something, his eyes were shutso he didn't see what it was.

 

He looked up...

 

"We settled our differances," spoke a voice.

 

It was Laval and Watz, both were trying to haul up Fred onto the massive Lion vehicle. Fred almost stumbled onto the vehicle (which was the Royal Fighter) and asked "Who is driving this thing?".

 

Laval grinned "My dad," (The actual name is Legrivis). He almost dragged Fred to the back of the vehicle. "Now I need help with working this part of the vehicle," Laval spoke, showing his hand (claw? Every time I say 'hand' or 'hands' with a Chima character I always say hand/s then in brackets 'Claw/s?...') towards (This is Fred's interpretation so don't blame me for a rubbish discription) a massive circular thing with shiny blue transparent things at the front emmiting some sort of glow.

 

Laval asked Fred to head up the vehicle till he could see either a switch or a button saying 'Laser cannon'. Fred walked up but the vehicle suddenly swerved to the right and Fred was almost thrown off. Fred slowly made his way towards the controls. The glass under neath him was delicate and smashed, he accidentally dropped in and came face-to-face with Legrivis, the Lion tribe's leader. Fred didn't know it was the leader and thought it was a commander or something with a high rank.

 

 

Chapter Twenty: An offense to everyone

 

"May I ask you to set the 'laser cannon' on?" Fred asked politly as possible because of his experiance with not offending a tribe member. Legrivis didn't respond but with a short growl from his throat. There came a VRRRR noise from the back and Laval shouted "Its fine, It is up!". Fred tried to get out of the cab but he couldn't reach the top. He jumped down in front of the vehicle, ran round to the back and jumped on.

 

Laval, with the help of Watz's excellent targeting system, was shooting away at vehicles and tribe members (of course, none of the tribe members that were helping the Lions including Watz). Fred climbed up to join him. It was going well as usual until a missile piece came from no where and smashed the Royal Fighter's side. Bricks slowly fell off time after time...

 

Laval shouted over the rumbling of the Royal Fighter's engine "Fred! Try and keep the vehicle from breaking apart!". Fred was about to comment but nothing came out of his mouth. He hopped down towards the hole and stared at it, he couldn't fill a massive hole! Laval shouted again "Its on the other side!". Fred walked over to the other side of the Royal Fighter, staring down at the massive hole that was slowly growing bigger.

 

Bricks slowly fell off what was left of the gap. Fred was panicking. The Royal Fighter shuddered and a massive scrap noise of metal came from the hole. Fred looked down, the framework was collapsing as well! He ran around the Royal Fighter, trying to find a way to block up the hole and reinforce the framework. He found a spear of some sort and some rope, he had an idea...

 

He anchored himself to what was left of the Royal Fighter and slowly absailed down towards the gap. He swung back and forth, untieing himself as he shifted. He dropped onto the framework which gave a loud groan noise as it pressed against Fred's weight. Fred slowly crawled along to the broken bit of framework. It almost buckled under his weight. Fred reached over and laid the spear between the first and second beam.

 

He tied the spear to the first one. Fred pounced onto the other beam which gave way and Fred clung onto the bricks above him. The spear got damaged unfortunatly. Fred tried to reach the other end of the rope tied to the spear. Then the brick he was anchored to fell off and now all that was supporting Fred from falling to his death was his hands which, like I said, were clutching to some bricks above him.

 

Those bricks were also in danger of falling off as well. Fred knew he had to get a move on. He swung back and fourth and suddenly the bricks he was clinging onto fell off, just like he feared, and he surprisedly landed onto the first beam.

 

The beam tilted further, it started to press against the cover. Fred felt lucky to be alive but he needed to do other things, he needed to replace the second beam before the whole vehicle collapses! At first he tried to use rope but it got tangled up so badly. Fred tried to use the spear but it couldn't quite reach, Fred started on pulling off bricks from above him, using them all to create another beam.

 

The longer Fred built the make-do beam the more the beam he was sitting onto buckled downwards. At one point Fred's make-do beam was long enough and before he could place it down the Royal Fighter steered towards the left. Fred, who got shocked, accidentally poked the make-do beam through the bricks over him. Fred tried to pull it out but it was stuck tight.

 

The beam Fred was standing on seconds earlier gave way and the Royal Fighter started to wobble violently. Fred could just hear Laval shouting "What just happened!?!". Fred had other things to do rather than reply, he had to see if he could get off without getting hurt. It was a hard task, since he was suspended a few meters from the ground and clinging tight to the make-do beam.

 

He noticed that other beams around the Royal Fighter were buckling violently and gave way. At one point a wheel popped off and the Royal Fighter went in circles, losing more pieces by scraping along the ground. Finally Fred had the chance to hop off, but he was dizzy and his head was spinning so he didn't make a perfect step down, instead he walked around a bit and fell flat onto his face.

 

After that experiance Fred doubted he should become an engineer...

 

 

​Chapter Twenty-one: Where are my clothes?!?

 

The last thing he heard was the squealing of metal crunching together, shouts of people, and explosions but they all started to fade out. Fred tried to get up. Must...not...lose... Fred fainted before he could think the word 'consuisness'. He just lay there. He didn't reawaken for a couple of hours. By the time he woke up he was in a dark and silent room. There was no one in sight.

 

Fred walked around the room, there were no windows, there was not even curtains but he noticed there were some clothes on the side of a bed he was laying on earlier. Fred just stared at the clothes in confusion, he had no idea of how to put it on and what the clothes reassembled. He also noticed his uniform was gone (apart from a vest and his trousers), he panicked. But then he remembered that no one was there in the room with him.

 

He put the clothes on (with quite a bit of trouble) and noticed that there were no shoes or even sandals. I have to walk barefoot?!?Fred thought indignantly. Somehow he thought the clothes reassembled Laval's clothes, except some of it was bronze. There was even some sort of necklace thing which seemed to glinter. Fred was now dressed. He wondered around a bit more till he found a door.

 

He slowly opened the door and walked out. He almost jumped into the air as he suddenly heard someone saying "C'mon! The meeting is starting!". It was Laval as usual and he dragged Fred towards the hall in excitment (Fred had trouble catching up, especially since he didn't have anything to protect his feet). Fred was confused and had no idea what was going on.

 

"Why are we going into the hall? And why do I have to wear this?" Fred asked. Laval didn't respond to the first question but he replied to the second "Some of the Crocs and Wolves stripped your clothes off. We thought you aught to wear some of ours,". Fred understood but was still confused about why they were entering the hall...

 

The doors opened as if to accept Fred and Laval. Upon entering Fred noticed that he was at the same pool he fell into several years ago. There was a crowd of Lions, Eagles and Gorillas awaiting them, also including Watz and Legrivis. Everyone just looked at Fred and Laval (Fred began to feel uncomfortable). Legrivis whispered to the two "You two are both late,".

 

"I know dad," Laval replied. Unfortunatly for Fred he had no idea how to reply.

 

"Your honor," He spoke almost lamely. Fred got a weird look from Legrivis who walked back to where he was standing earlier. Fred just looked around, he really reconised it, then it came to him. Tears almost ran down his eyes. Laval was noticing this.

 

"What is the matter?"

 

Fred didn't reply to Laval but instead he tried to listen to Legrivis who was starting his speech.

 

"Fellow tribes of Chima, we are gathered here to not only remember those gone within the warzone but with those who had bravery, those who were heroic. We are here to accept those members as our fighters, our warriors. People we can set our hopes to," He looked around, no one had any idea who he would pick. Then Legrivis started to shout out names, and shake the hands (Claws? Paws? What are they called?!?) of those he called out.

 

This went on for some time until Legrivis spoke "Fred Cop for his bravery in battle and his help in our victorious battle,". Unfortunatly Fred didn't know what to do. He saw everyone else go up and have their hand (Claws? Paws?) shaken and given a blessing but still Fred had no idea what to do. He just slowly walked up to Legrivis. Legrivis shook Fred's hand and gave him a blessing.

 

Fred wanted to walk away but Legrivis had something else to give to Fred...

 

Legrivis reached into the sacred pool (it was just a normal pool to Fred) and pullled out some CHI, he handed it over to Fred. Fred just stared blankly at the CHI.

 

"Why do you need to give me this? Its your tribe's... I don't know-"

 

"Powersource," whispered Laval, trying to help Fred.

 

"Powersource? Oh, right. Its your tribe's powersource,"

 

"But we want you to have it," Legrivis pointed out "You were the one who broke the wheel of the Royal Fighter and sending us in circles,"

 

"Hmmp, So?" asked Fred

 

Legrivis spoke back "The lazer cannon on the back can not rotate, also we were being surrounded by the enemy, giving Laval his chance to shoot at every single one of them. Also you bravely created something that crushed those behind us,"

 

"I'm sorry?"

 

"When we picked you up the enemy were riding Speedorz, it was almost impossible to shake them off. Then they all got crushed by a white and red thing which I belive you created?"

 

Fred had no idea what Legrivis was talking about. He did have other things on his mind. Then he remembered.

 

"Before I answer, has it smashed? I will need to get away from here as soon as possible,"

 

Laval walked over to Legrivis and whispered to him. After a while Laval drew away and Legrivis nodded. He walked up to Fred.

 

"I am sorry but it is completly broken,"

 

"Do you mean broken as in brick by brick or broken as in big chuncks?"

 

"Pardon?"

 

"Forget it," Fred spoke clearly yet quickly.

 

Legrivis continued on yet this time Fred wasn't paying attention. Then there was silence, everyone stared at Fred. Fred was meant to be walking off but since he wasn't paying attention he guessed it and walked off, followed closly but Watz and Laval who were both wanting to talk to Fred...

 

 

---

 
I am still waiting for my next part to be uploaded.
 
If the above story is broken then use this link:
 
https://community.lego.com/t5/LEGENDS-OF-CHIMA/Anyone-want-to-hear-a-story-involving-Chima/m-p/5756908#M19123
 

 

[Cyrem]

Alright, I've only read through the first chapter and I have some constructive criticism for you to improve your story writing skills.

• Spell checking. There was a lot of misspelled words in this story. Make sure you run it through a spell checker before posting. You don't have to do it now though, I have already run it through MS Word and fixed many words for you.
• Grammar. Some sentences are constructed incorrectly or use the wrong words to describe things. You wrote this:

"His left was blocked by a forest and he would've easily been lost in it, his left was a deep embankment which ended up in a deep moat."

 

You don't need to say the 'left was blocked' as a forest is not a brick wall. By describing the general surroundings like you tried to do, you can assume the reader will understand Fred's circumstances and why he might walk in a particular direction. Writing it the way you did makes it sound like it's a command/response game.

 

"ground like a zit sticking out the skin"

 

I don't think using a 'zit' to describe a hill makes for good reading. Besides, zits vary in shapes and sizes.

• Visualize your story to avoid saying things that are obvious.

"He looked to his left at which he say what looked like a battlefield. He couldn't tell who was winning or losing ... before he could properly see what the soldiers looked like"

 

Is this battle happening before his eyes? If not, he obviously won't know who is winning/losing. If it is, why does Fred seem invisible to the soldiers so that they just ignore his existence(Yet a bird notices him)?

 

• No Commentary. Don't add commentary to your stories "(the text in the brackets)", it should explain itself. The first paragraph shouldn't be in the first chapter at all. It ruins the flow of the story.
• Chapter Transition. Each chapter should flow on to each other. Chapter 1 to 2 in your story reads like this:

"He could just see over the wall and was about to climb over the wall when the wall broke down" to "The wall crumbled and Fred with it. He ripped through a tent-like roof and landed in a pool of water."

 

Wasn't Fred climbing the vine to look over the wall? Was this vine growing out of the wall or from a tree? Somehow the wall broke down itself and Fred managed to teleport inside the fortress in order to fall on a roof.

 

It would be good, if you get a chance, to re-write each chapter with these things in mind. The story sounds interesting, but these things make the story hard to understand.

 

PS. Your post had some bad text formatting which I assume is from copying and pasting from LMB's. I fixed it for you.

 

PPS. Give this story a title.

[Fush]

First, everything that Cyrem said.

Well I don't know what else to do other than pick through this, line for line.

I've only read the first, er, "Chapter," but honestly I doubt I need read further.

Ugh... here we go.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

I stupidly posted up a link to my story which happens to be on the LMB in a topic where it explained someone (the director of the Lego television series and movies) had died.

Yes that was stupid. Never do it again. But at least you realize you did wrong.

On to the story.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

There is this LEGO CITY minifigure (Brown eyebrows, Jowls, Attitude and police uniform(He is the minifigure who says 'HEY!' in the latest LEGO CITY police boat advertisement)) who is using a rocket to get across the galaxy (LU reference anyone?) and notices a planet which is not marked on star charts.

Nonononono

This is not how you tell a story. Out with the parentheses! NO MORE.

If you want to describe this guy, then for the love of Pinga describe him! Even something as simple as "He has brown eyebrows" would be preferable, still stale but acceptable. This, just, no.

Do not insert your own commentary.

Also, don't ever refer to another work. Never say "the guy from ~~~~" because then you immediately alienate every single reader who does not know ~~~~.

Also, the "there is a xxxx who is xxxx" construction you have going on there, also bad. Try, "A LEGO City Minifigure is using a jet pack to get across the galaxy, when he notices a planet..." much better.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He decides to take a closer look at this new planet.

This line's fine. Moving on.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

I must say that I feel that in a LEGO universe each theme should be on separate planets. And this particular planet had the Legends of Chima theme!

NO! Nonononono.

Out with the persona commentary. NO MORE.

YOU DO NOT BEGIN SENTENCES WITH AND.

I mean, you can in many cases... this is not one of them.

You also referred to another work again! don't do that!

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Anyway, The minifig(whose name was Fred Cop) was flying low over the planet's surface until... BAM!! A missile hit him from nowhere and brought him down.

No.

You tell us his name, then you refer to him by name. His name is something that should have been brought up when you were describing him (which, now that I think on it, never happened.)

Or you could say something like "Fred, as he is called..."

BUT NOT THIS.

Also, you switch tenses here. Up until this point you were using present tense, here it switches to past tense.

Yeah, don't do that.

Pick a tense and stick to it.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

The missile (or whatever it was, Fred couldn't tell) only did a little damage, It only broke a Technic 1x1 half tube off the rocket but it affected one of the tail wings.

I don't know if this is one or two sentences so I'll treat it as one.

So, yet again, ixnay on the arenthesespay, 'kay?

If Fred can't tell what it is, then that should be expressed through the prose. "Fred couldn't tell what had hit him, but he figured it must have been a missile of some sort?" Something like that.

And on 'Technic 1x1 half tube' nonsense. You've crossed the threshold from no description to to much detail. Something like "only a little damage" would actually be fine in this case. If you start giving exact measurements, don't. Estimate. Fred's not carrying a yardstick (I hope) It's not like he could precisely asses he damage done to an object n his back.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred with his rocket came down, down, down, down.... AND SMASHED INTO THE GROUND!!

“Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.†― F. Scott Fitzgerald.

This guy knows what he's talking about. You should listen to him.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred was knocked out for a while but recovered and realized his rocket was nearly beyond repair.

Not quiiite a run-on, but still to much information for one sentence. You need to work on your pacing.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He decided to take an exploration around the landscape.

"take an exploration" is not, so far as I'm aware, a correct construction in any for of any language.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred happened to have landed on a big slab of rock that pocked out the ground like a zit sticking out the skin, this allowed Fred to scan around the landscape for anything particular.

Were to begin? How about "had landed" instead of "happened to have landed?" 'Pocked' should be 'poked.' A slab of rock is very unlike a zit. You have a run on sentence. 'particular' I think should be 'peculiar.' I need to take a nap.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He looked to his left at which he say what looked like a battlefield.

I UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He couldn't tell who was winning or losing but before he could properly see what the soldiers looked like a screech shouted behind him.

This may for all I know be technically not entirely incorrect but DEAR LAWD OF THE SOUTH it's confusing. Consider using a comma every now and again. They are your friends. They will love you forever if you treat them well.

Too many quotes, I must double-post now.

[Fush]

Continued from above post

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred swung around to see a massive bird (or WAS it a bird?) heading towards him!

NO. DON'T. NEVER AGAIN. EITHER IT IS A BIRD, IT IS NOT A BIRD, OR FRED HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE f**** HE IS LOOKING AT. NONE OF THIS, "or was it?" Bulls***. NO.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred dived towards the ground as the bird (or whatever it was) flew over him with a WHOOSH!!!

>_<

Nyrgh...

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred straightened himself up and peered at the thing.

"Thing" is a horribly useless word. Guess what? Thing can be anything. Context says he is looking at the may-or-may-not-be bird, but I don't know that. He could be looking at anything. Be more specific. What thing? THE THING THAT JUST FLEW OVER HIM? HM?

Better yet, THE CREATURE?

Please, for my sake, don't call anything a thing.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

It seemed to look like an eagle but it was blue and white and (for some reason as Fred saw) had jets in the rear, it definitely was big but Fred couldn't tell it was a jet that was going in to battle.

Um... How the.. wha...

That is one of the worst run-ons I've seen in quite a while...

Not to mention that none of this made any sense.

I don't even...

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred took another look around. His left was the battlefield and at his right was... wait... what was that in-between?

I don't know, why don't you tell us?

I have never ever heard someone describe a location as "in between his left and his right." Breaking new ground in needlessly convoluted prose? Between his right and his left would be RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Call it that.

How he didn't notice something right in front of him? It's possible, even likely considering all that's going on around him, but you can't just gloss over this fact.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred took a long look at what seemed to him as a fortress.

By "as"I think you mean "to be." "What seemed to him to be a fortress."

Otherwise this line is fine.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

His curiosity took the better of him, he ran towards this fortress while wishing he'd brought a camera with him!

Do i need to break out the Fitzgerald again? Don't exclaim. The reader will decide for thonself whether it's worth shouting about.

Which, BTW, it isn't.

Another run-on sentence. Best way to address this one is to separate it into two. "His curiosity got the better of him. He ran..."

Two sentences.

Also "while wishing he had a camera" is not how I would say that. People don't do things while wishing, they wish while doing other things.

"He wished he had brought a camera as he ran towards the fortress..."

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He finally reached the wall and took a peek at the architecture. It was incredibly detailed, with brick built lion heads around each corner.

This is the one line in this chapter that is actually well-written. Kudos.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

Fred wanted to go to the front but he could not.

Awkwardly stated, but not incorrect. It just doesn't flow.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

His left was blocked by a forest and he would've easily been lost in it, his left was a deep embankment which ended up in a deep moat.

This came up earlier, but I glossed over it... "his left." Just "his left?" How about "to his left" or "on his left" or "to the left of him?" In this case, "the path to his left" would work best.

"and he would've been easily lost in it" would be better stated as "that he would be easily lost in."

Like so:

"The path to his left was blocked by a forest that he would be easily lost in."

Better, right?

Also it seems that both obstacles are "his left."

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He then looked up to spot a vine than was hung above him. His curiosity, once again, took him over.

Remove "then" and these lines should be fine.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He jumped and caught the vine and climbed up it.

And is not a comma. "He jumped, caught the vine..."

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

It took him a couple of minutes and many attempts to climb up the vine but he made it in the end.

More detail here! Talk about him trying, falling, trying again. The story will be better off for it.

  On 5/6/2013 at 6:30 AM, Ben24x7 said:

He could just see over the wall and was about to climb over the wall when the wall broke down with a  CRRRK!!

You're allowed to use pronouns. After you say "the wall" once you don't need to keep saying "the wall."

"He could just see over the wall and was about to climb over it when it broke down."

I'm not one for onomatopoeia but it's not necessarily a problem. Just don't overuse it.

Well I'm exhausted.

I need to look at puppies now.

[lol username]

Holy crud.

... I honestly have nothing to say, Cyrem and Fushigisaur have already covered pretty much everything... For the first chapter anyway. So I'll just use a gif.

Needs work.

[RobExplorien]

 

The amount of literary criticism is huge here. 

[Jimbob]

  On 5/6/2013 at 7:35 PM, RobExplorien said:

 

The amount of literary criticism is huge here. 

 

Yup. I feel sorry for the poor guy. Not that I've had the chance to read the story yet.

[lol username]

  On 5/6/2013 at 7:39 PM, JimbobJeffers said:

 

The amount of literary criticism is huge here.

 

Yup. I feel sorry for the poor guy. Not that I've had the chance to read the story yet.

>Implying constructive criticism is a bad thing

[Fush]

  On 5/6/2013 at 7:39 PM, JimbobJeffers said:

 

The amount of literary criticism is huge here.

 

Yup. I feel sorry for the poor guy. Not that I've had the chance to read the story yet.

Why do you feel sorry for him?

I didn't say anything that isn't true, and to be honest, I tried to be as nice as possible.

But sometimes people produce things that are bad, and if they continue to think that they are good then they will never improve.

We're only helping him.

[Jimbob]

I wasn't knocking your constructive criticism, it's just if I were in his shoes I would be feeling very small right now.

[lol username]

  On 5/6/2013 at 7:51 PM, JimbobJeffers said:

I wasn't knocking your constructive criticism, it's just if I were in his shoes I would be feeling very small right now.

So which would you rather have:

1. You recieve no constructive criticism, and keep working on bigger and bigger projects that are all flawed in the same ways until finally somebody breaks it to you that your work has a lot of problems (or you figure it out on your own later), and by that time you've wasted a ton of time on effort on things that could have been far better (which can absolutely crush all your desire to keep moving forward in that area), or
2. You receive constructive criticism early on, and perhaps it stings a bit at first, but then you use it to improve and create better things, making your time spent much more productive and eventually leading to you becoming far better at it than you initially were.

I've had the first option happen to me multiple times before, and it set back my work in the project by several months to half a year each time. It sucks.

[McJobless]

  On 5/6/2013 at 7:51 PM, JimbobJeffers said:

I wasn't knocking your constructive criticism, it's just if I were in his shoes I would be feeling very small right now.

Your insistence that he will be feeling "small" in this situation is probably making him a lot less comfortable than just the criticisms in this topic.

I don't understand how text could be broken before a link, but I'll let that slip and flat-out say you're currently failing to grab my attention. Everything you've written has been more-or-less written before. Fanon is hard work, because you're trying to apply a new story to old material, so you need something powerful to keep potential readers like myself invested. You also need to consider characterisation and use of action, because right now all I can see is a lot of fighting and no real point to it.

I heartly recommened you check out this; http://www.thewritersjourney.com/hero%27s_journey.htm

It's a guide to how most Hollywood screenplays are written. It's a very powerful method of writing, and you might want to adapt your story to follow some of it, because it was specially designed to be interesting.

[Lair]

  On 5/6/2013 at 8:03 PM, jamesster said:

You recieve no constructive criticism, and keep working on bigger and bigger projects that are all flawed in the same ways until finally somebody breaks it to you that your work has a lot of problems (or you figure it out on your own later), and by that time you've wasted a ton of time on effort on things that could have been far better (which can absolutely crush all your desire to keep moving forward in that area)

hello deviantart.

[Jimbob]

  On 5/6/2013 at 8:03 PM, jamesster said:

I wasn't knocking your constructive criticism, it's just if I were in his shoes I would be feeling very small right now.

So which would you rather have:

1. You recieve no constructive criticism, and keep working on bigger and bigger projects that are all flawed in the same ways until finally somebody breaks it to you that your work has a lot of problems (or you figure it out on your own later), and by that time you've wasted a ton of time on effort on things that could have been far better (which can absolutely crush all your desire to keep moving forward in that area), or
2. You receive constructive criticism early on, and perhaps it stings a bit at first, but then you use it to improve and create better things, making your time spent much more productive and eventually leading to you becoming far better at it than you initially were.

I've had the first option happen to me multiple times before, and it set back my work in the project by several months to half a year each time. It sucks.

 

Point taken, I too would go with the second option. I just felt that perhaps the line-by-line analysis of one member and the awkward gif are a little much.

[lol username]

  On 5/6/2013 at 8:50 PM, JimbobJeffers said:

Point taken, I too would go with the second option. I just felt that perhaps the line-by-line analysis of one member and the awkward gif are a little much.

I see it as a line-by-line analysis to learn from and an amusing image posted in an attempt to lighten the mood with humor. :|

[Fush]

  On 5/6/2013 at 8:50 PM, JimbobJeffers said:

Point taken, I too would go with the second option. I just felt that perhaps the line-by-line analysis of one member and the awkward gif are a little much.

Eh, yeah I may have gone overboard there, but I really felt it was the best way to do it. I feel that giving concrete examples of exactly what is wrong and how to fix it is better that just generally saying "I don't like this, fix it."

'course, there's probably a happy medium between these two extremes, but I wouldn't know where to find it.

Also I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to be mean, I'm merely being brutally honest.

The story could be decent, if it is done well, but at the moment it is not.

It should not be considered an insult to tell someone that they did something poorly if they had, in fact, done it poorly.

Now if I had said something along the lines of, say, "your story is bad and you should feel bad! Go crawl in a hole and never show your face again!" Yeah, that's bad, that's insulting and completely unhelpful. But I did not say that, did I?

Rather, I took the better route, rather than simply say it was bad, I took each bad line, told him exactly what is wrong with it, and how to fix it.

Some of the things I said might have been a bit mean, but I had wrote a lot, I was tired, and everyone has their breaking point. I tried to be as objective and level-headed as I could but sometimes I run out of patience.

And yes, like James said, it's better for the criticism to come now so that he doesn't get an even bigger letdown later in life.

[Cyrem]

True, Ben might be feeling a little small after all that. However, our intentions are good and we are only telling him this to help him improve his writing skills. If he takes it on board and makes the corrections I'm sure it was turn out to be a half decent  story. It has mystery, which is always interesting.

 

And if it makes Ben feel a little better, I have seen far worse.

[Ben24x7]

Cyrem, the story was all copied and pasted from the LMB over to here so the words can get jumbled from time to time. I will edit more of the post because my next part is up after a technicle problem LMB moderators had found. And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

[Lair]

  On 5/7/2013 at 3:22 PM, Ben24x7 said:

after a technicle problem LMB moderators had found.

What else is new there.

  On 5/7/2013 at 1:48 PM, Cyrem said:

And if it makes Ben feel a little better, I have seen far worse.

Considering that it's from the LMBs, it's probably one of the better things I've seen there.

[Jimbob]

  On 5/7/2013 at 3:22 PM, Ben24x7 said:

And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

Cyrem mentioned the bird once, and understandably so, as you did say 'Fred dived towards the ground as the bird (or whatever it was) flew over him with a WHOOSH!!!'.

[Lair]

  On 5/7/2013 at 3:22 PM, Ben24x7 said:

And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

 Research into what? You posted some fan fiction from the LMBs. The focus of this site doesn't affect that. WTF are you even talking about with this bird thing?

[Fush]

  On 5/7/2013 at 6:43 PM, Lair of Rockwhales said:

And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

 Research into what? You posted some fan fiction from the LMBs. The focus of this site doesn't affect that. WTF are you even talking about with this bird thing?

A quick search tells me that the "bird" in question is actually this set:

EDIT EDIT: Formatting weirdness let to link being removed, too lazy to get it back.

But, to be fair, there is no way that someone unfamiliar with the Chima theme could have possibly known that from how it was described.

It says there was a blue bird with a jet engine in its ass, so why would anyone think it was something other than a blue bird with a jet engine in its ass?

EDIT: After re-reading the line in question it turns out it does, in fact, say that while it looks like a bird it's really a jet.

My bad. But with how it's written it's an easy mistake to make.

Still doesn't affect the critique in any way, shape, or form.

/EDIT

And while this detail does change the story a bit (which is a fault on the writers end, not the readers end), it does not change a single thing thing that Cyrem said. What he said had nothing to do with the jet-bird-whatever, and one does not need to know what the hell it is to be able to tell you why your writing is bad.

[The Ace Railgun]

That bird...chima...just invaded...

Anywho...I promised my self that I would go all grammer nazi on you but...it does need some work, but it also does have a nice start. I think the main problem is the 'bird's' description. It's kind vague...in my head I thought of a rocket powered eagle which was...

[Alcom Isst]

  On 5/7/2013 at 3:22 PM, Ben24x7 said:

Cyrem, the story was all copied and pasted from the LMB over to here so the words can get jumbled from time to time. I will edit more of the post because my next part is up after a technicle problem LMB moderators had found. And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

In the observational standpoint of Mr. Fred Cop, what he saw was identifiable as having ornithological features, but in its brief appearance, it also appeared to have additional features that would indicate that it was not a true avifauna. Thus the descriptor "some sort of unusual avian form," or with reduced vocabulary "some sort of bird thing", would have been appropriate in this case; they do not create a prerequisite of familiarity with Chima canon to understand this event in this story.

[McJobless]

  On 5/7/2013 at 3:22 PM, Ben24x7 said:

Cyrem, the story was all copied and pasted from the LMB over to here so the words can get jumbled from time to time. I will edit more of the post because my next part is up after a technicle problem LMB moderators had found. And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

Calm. Down. Y u hv 2 b mad?

It seems as though you completely ignored our advice, blamed copy and pasting, LMB and then more-or-less "attacked" (a little too strong) the admin who has been trying to help you (and his posts have been some of the nicest in this entire thread). Now, it's your story, so do what you want with it, but frankly I can't see myself reading this seriously anytime in the future unless the writer gets and attitude change and starts to implement the many things that we have suggested to make your story better.

  On 5/7/2013 at 3:22 PM, Ben24x7 said:

And Cyrem, it is not a bird for goodness sake! You all might as well do some research before diving into all of this. I can understand this fourm is mostly for Rock raiders and other Lego games but please check before you comment!

Focusing on this bit, no-one who isn't regularly checking and memorising LEGO catalogs will have any clue what this is. Cyrem (or at least I don't) doesn't particularly care what it is, because he's not here to learn what sets to buy. He's here to help you. There was no indication for people like myself who don't buy LEGO sets on a regular basis anymore that what you mentioned was a real set. Don't tell us to "check" because there's no way to determine what we need to "check" without being told first.